The Landing

A Nice Surprise

2008-12-11T11:45:00.004-05:00

We finally got hooked to the Internet again. We're so happy that we can check our e-mail, work with our finances, and chat with friends again through Facebook. It's funny how a few days without it can throw us off, even just a little. While the Brighthouse tech was here, he discovered we have free cable through the neighborhood. At first I thought we'd have to pay, but he said it's a bulk package that the Enclave provides. While I'm thrilled to have Fox News and the History Channel back, I'm a little concerned that we'll watch it too often. It's an area I'll have to pray through constantly, I'm sure.

Our home is wonderful, by the way! We realize that renting is sometimes seen as "throwing money away" but when the Lord provides for a certain type of situation, we don't ask questions. Furthermore, we've been blessed with a quiet neighborhood that is close to our friends, church, and my job. I took Eli on a walk the other night while it was cool, and we looked at Christmas lights and toads. It was a time that I took in greatly with my son.

Our families are still about the same distance from us, which is how it used to be in the old apartment. Cari is currently looking at colors to paint the walls, but we're still not sure if we're going to paint at all. I guess we have time to think it through.

There's really not a lot to say other than we're honored and thankful to the families who helped our move be as simple and stress-free as one could hope. To our family, we're grateful for the two years you allowed us to grow in your home. Without that time...well, who knows what would have become of our walks with Christ and for our family. We certainly would have been lesser people without you.

An Amazing Year, So Far...

2008-12-02T21:36:00.004-05:00

It's been an amazing year, so far. I began the year so confused on where I was going concerning my job. For so long I didn't know what I wanted to do; I was mostly content making what I was for a job, not thinking about making more money or working in a different position at Publix. I kept thinking, "God will make it obvious." Thankfully, through my wife's awesome ability to motivate me for greater things, I jumped into the Grocery Team Leader position. It was such a quick transition, too, considering one week I decided to go for it, and the next I was being congratulated by my upcoming manager. My career started to develop, but what was to come was a major jolt of reality.

As a GTL, I found myself exhausted always. I never slept well enough, and my eyes burned while straining to see my alarm tell me the time. It was always dark when I woke up, either to work in the morning or for an overnight. When I went to sleep, it was always day. My health depleated horribly and I slowly lost the few pounds I had gained through working easier shifts in the dairy department. My relationship with Cari was jeopardized to the brink of no communication short of the casual hello-goodbye. I loved her through it all, prayed fervently, and fell asleep with tears in my eyes. Could this be the blessing that I had faithfully asked for? Was I taking care of my family the way the Lord would have me? I felt the answers were loud "no"s.

Being one of the greatest retail companies in North America, Publix bought several dozens of Albertsons, a failing chain in spite of having many stores. Because of this financial decision, and obviously because of God's faithful hands moving through men, I was offered a promotion as an Assistant Grocery Manager.

At this time I was in school, driving to campus four days a week after school and on a day off. I barely saw my family, trying to juggle reading through 38 books in the semester for four literature classes. I didn't open the Bible ever during this fall semester, and sadly, it was more a Steinbeck summer than it was a Biblical one. My priorities weren't where they needed to be, and God knew it. I highly believe He wrenched my attention back to Him through the atrocious summer and fall hours in my GTL position. As hard as it is to type the truth, I'm glad He put me at the Baldwin store to endure the trials there. I had to fight against a rigerous manager whom I respect greatly, other managers who shouldn't be in charge of my fellow co-workers, and I even cut my finger badly the first week because of how tired/quickly I had to work to save time.

Now that I'm in my position as a manager, I've learned a lot. Other than how to train and authorize further training; how to manage a larger crew of associates; and the tests of opening and closing a multi-million dollar store, I've learned how to be content every day. I'm content not knowing everything, and I'm even content being ignorant regarding many aspects of my training as a manager. I've worked with countless past-managers and have been regarded as a good choice for being a manager by them. Though I don't boast purposely, it's nice to be seen in a good light by men and women I respect.

With my girl by my side, we're celebrating our third year of marriage. We both forgot, haha. God has blessed us through one more mean: the ability to move into our own place in a peaceful place near, ironically, my first Publix. I thank you, O Lord, for Your countless love and affection.

Future Thoughts

2008-10-04T15:38:00.002-04:00

No matter how hard we try, the future doesn't wait for us. It just keeps on coming. For us, Heltons, we're stout believers in the future and what God has in store for us. We try to stay Biblical and not "plan" for too many days into the great wide open, but stay prepared for whatever comes. I'm not saying one can't make plans, per say, but when we try to plan too far ahead it becomes too much for our finite selves to handle.

Anyway, as the future comes, we try to stay realistic and dependable on God's good graces. The next position for me at Publix is Assistant Grocery Manager, and that title's salary is enough for us to move out on our own. We've priced homes (mostly town homes and condos) and we're happy with the "buying market" that is currently before us. Though I've only been in my position for a short while, my company has a lot of opportunity for advancement. This year we've bought over forty Albertsons and they'll be turned into Publixes, needing managers. There's talk in my store about some moving around, and I pray I'll obtain the correct training to be promoted.

It's almost scary that in a few months, God willing, I could be in that boat, sailing with Cari and Eli into the future on our own...finally. I've definitely had days and nights where I felt utterly lost and desperate. Hours and days would go by with such limited sleep as to keep me sober. School has been so tough this semester with four literature classes, all to tack on to the intense work schedule. I've complained for months now about not seeing friends and family alike, and I've figured out ways to get around certain school chores to reverse that. If I did get this promotion, I might have to set school aside altogether and graduate late.

ATTENTION YOUNG ADULTS

While you can, go to school and get as much done before having children and a family. If not, you may find yourself struggling through life away from the ones you miss so much. This is not a large "maybe" but an even larger, "probably." This has been a public announcement.

Okay, I'm done giving advice. Please pray for my family in this special way that God will bring us through these more strenuous times. We cannot wait to be a family again. I can't wait to fully take care of my family again. Thanks for your prayers!

A Great Struggle

2008-08-01T09:53:00.002-04:00

Last night in our community group we discussed the Sermon on the Mount. The portion was retaliation and sharing/giving to those in need. Some felt we should always give to those who need without much thought; I felt we've been given logic and reasoning that should work with the Spirit's desire for our giving.

Further along in the conversation became an area of interest (not that the entire talk wasn't, but this was more so) that has kept me thinking all night; it has even bothered me to some extent. In the area of giving, what are we giving anyway? Something that's not ours, is the likeliest answer. God provides...He gives to us what we have. By no works of our own do we own our belongings. I don't pay for things with money only I've made; I've made it through the blessings of God. May I spend my money the way I want? Sure, but will I continually be blessed with it if I abuse it? Probably not. This facet to the conversation I am okay with. It's when the word "deserve" gets used and its applications.

Do I deserve a loving and submissive wife? I'd like to think so, but why? Where is it said that I do deserve happiness on that scale? So this is my dilemma. The majority stated that we as human beings only deserve death. I understand this in terms of those outside of Christ's grace. But what about Christians who are God's people...do we not deserve love and affection from those who proclaim such love towards us? Even when we're wrapped in God's forgiving arms, do we not then deserve wives who don't commit adultery or for Christian friends not to gossip about them? The countless ways I think we deserve happiness have now been thrown to the jury of my peers, so let me know what you think.

Kind of Middle-Stuck

2008-07-30T08:22:00.000-04:00

Reading Steinbeck is like a baby being conceived. Inside me is a new creature, something new and beautiful. This creation isn't really so, but the feeling is still there. I feel as though there's a presence that is hazy-yet-simple. Sometimes we all need the haze...the feeling that you can't quite figure out life or your surroundings, and it's okay. So what am I getting at? I guess I just love the titles of Sweet Thursday.

As of late I've not spoken to either parent. Sometimes I feel myself slipping into anger towards them and then I have to slip right back out of it as if I'm a madman escaping reality. There's a non-descriptive quality to such slipping. It happens-it's gone. Is there sin in such quick non-reasoning?

I don't want to talk to my parents. What would that really accomplish? I could tell them how I've never felt such exclusion from one family and such inclusion from another. When I fall apart, my marriage family surrounds me without a thought for their own time or doings. My old one would have needed to schedule me into their feelings. I have to be careful not to slip into temptation and sin against the thought of my parents. They brought me up the way (notice there's no "only way" or "best way" typed) they knew how. Mom and dad worked-kids in school, daycare, grandparents', etc-weekends that should have been for bonding were escape pods from the weekly ho-hum. How did we mess it up so well?

I guess I think about these familial things more than I consciously realized. I don't mean to think about them. I'm scared of them. I find myself ashamed of my last name.

So my grandparents appear to be in the hospital, but I'm not sure why. ~~Confused A~~ called and asked that I'd call my mother. I don't have a name for her yet. It should be just as clever. Anyway, I won't call. I'm tired of calling. It's not that it's a bore or anything; honestly, it's opposite of a bore because there's so much going on in my mom's head that I'd never yawn at trying to figure it out. I just don't want to keep putting myself out there and get disappointed. A thought occurred to me the other day: might God want me to keep trying for the sake and soul of my mom/to show her love can exist between two people who have a bitter taste for one another? I wish I knew. Maybe I should pray that I knew. Wishing is for fools.

I wonder what's become of ~~Confused A~~. Where is he living and what passes his time? Does he pick up his dilapidated Bible with old church bulletins and attempt to read? Does the beach call his name more frequently? Is Jezebel there or has she left his disappointed self? How great is the shame of his sin or is he aware of its truest consequences? Will he realize Eli's future depended on at least one true Helton, and when he grows up, the only Heltons he'll be able to trust are his own parents who probably don't want the name anyway?

What to Right Here?

2008-07-16T18:23:00.003-04:00

It would appear that I didn't know how to spell. Well, I do. Let me explain.

My parents have become statistics in the area of marriage failure. They have never shown a lot of love towards one another-at least publicly-and divorce was never too hard to swallow. Now they're working towards the big D, even though we boys don't see an actual movement in that area except for a split in living together. My father got an apartment...at the age of 57. My mom's keeping the house. That house is an empty tomb.

So how is this situation to be righted? Except for God helping them reconcile, my parents are lost. *Sigh* What repercussions will this have for everyone around them? I can already tell Tim is troubled because he's caught in the middle. Matt is farther away and shows a heavy passivity. I'm somewhere in the middle: neither harmed externally nor escaping the separation's full effects. Sometimes when I'm driving to work at three in the morning, I find myself trapped, thinking of their marriage. My sleep is disrupted often as I ponder over my position in it all. Who knew I'd be so affected over my parents fulfilling what I always knew they'd do.

Eli won't know his grandparents well from here on out. I won't allow it. Sometime in the future, if he desires to know them or about them, Cari and I will then discuss with him how to further the options. Until then, I'm too worn out from this mess to continue any relations from my family to them.

Vacation, JCKR, and Testing

2008-06-05T08:28:00.003-04:00

This is my vacation week and a transition week at the same time. I finally have an entire week's time-off without moving or trying to figure out a plan of what to do. Not that those types of vacations aren't productive; I just enjoy lazier days sometimes. I can't believe I wrote that.

Jeremy, Catherine, Karis, and Reese are here this week (the latter three will stay an extra week, yey). Today Kim and her boys are coming down, too, so this week should be fun.

Tomorrow I have a couple of two-hour tests to take for my promotion-placement. If I do well on these tests I'll be able to move up quicker at Publix. Though the next stage of going through the GTL position will be rough and stressful, it's something I have to do for a certain time period. I have to be there by eight and get up at six tomorrow morning...on my vacation...bleh. At least I can take them without having to work afterwards. Let's pray they go well.

A Renewal Of Life

2008-05-29T13:09:00.002-04:00

I don't write on here often because I have another journal that takes up time. So when I do get to write in this forum I return to previous entries and remember what I wrote. I noticed that I've yet to praise God blog-style for my father's apparent recovery; my dad's situation was somewhat defined in an earlier post.

In a nutshell, my dad had surgery in early 2005 that ended up in an infection. From that, he took medication that became addicting, altering his chemical balance. From that situation, Dad Helton struggled for two.five years with anxiety-depression. While the anxiety left him depressed, he became anxious of becoming depressed. The way he described it was it being in a circular nightmare. One position always brought on the other.

Okay, so the nutshell was larger than I first intended. Because of state-of-the-art medicine and, more importantly, a wealth of prayers, my father came through the fight victoriously. As he mentioned, though, it's only over indefinitely, not permanently. For some reason, this "disease" tore him down and beat him up for so long, and the end may only be as the Lord allows. Since it's a newer "recognized" problem with hundreds of thousands of Americans, the research is still in its infant stages.

I want to openly recognized God's provision for my dad. I know during this struggle I had to review my sight of the Divine. There were a lot of times I questioned the Lord's timing and why His healing hands held back...but did they hold back the entire time? I don't know. It's easy to see healing bones or lacerations, but the mind's diseases are tougher to notice. I love my God but not for saving my father's mental stability. I love Him for being unwavering. He loved my dad enough to save him through his pain in a timely manner fitting for the dilemma. Hopefully in the two-plus years that he fought, my dad saw God's mercy to hold back the pain to its worst level and not get worse. He held my father's sanity to a position to not crumble. Finally, through these trying times, my heavenly Father never wavered and failed in His promises to stand by us. For that, I love my God.

Another Trip to the Zoo

2008-05-08T08:13:00.010-04:00

This is somewhat late, but Sunday we went to the Brevard County Zoo again. We love the way Eli has grown since the last time we went there, and I was particularly excited to see his reactions to the animals being nearly-if not-a year older. Cari noticed his love for the birds. We went into the aviary-type portion where birds freely flew around and on the guests. Cari would put out her arm for these two birds to perch on and Eli began mimicking her. So cute.

My favorite part-other than feeding a giraffe-was seeing the rhinoceros for the first time there. It was farther away than I wished to see it, but at least I viewed its enormous self.

Here are some pictures of our trip. 'Nuff said.

Vows and Our Christian Words

2008-03-31T19:09:00.008-04:00

Okay, this has been on my mind for some time now: What ever happened to we, as Christians, keeping our words? Why is it that we are exactly like the world when it comes to what we say? For instance, I have always been good at keeping my word on things, but it's because it's polite. If I say I'm going to be somewhere at a certain time, but something occurs to hinder my promise, I will call or text and let the person I'm meeting know of the change of plans. I don't just not call or make them call me.

Another thing that is annoying is how we make plans and break them as easily as if we were promising our dog we'd take them for a walk. Aren't we more civilized than dogs? I don't mean to be mean or bitter, but it gets old when a person is known for breaking their word. A lot of this situation has to do with what Christ talked about concerning vows. I'm sure you're aware of the passage, but I'll throw it on here just in case: "Again, you have heard that the ancients were told, 'You shall not make false vows, but shall fulfill your vows to the Lord'" (Matthew 5:33). Now, Christ didn't end the idea here, but in his beautiful fashion, he completed the thought: "But I say to you, make no oath at all, either by heaven...earth...Jerusalem...head...But let your statement be, 'Yes, yes' or 'No, no'; anything beyond these is of evil" (Matthew 34-37). One can easily see that Christ's purpose is that our words-as Christian children-should be worthy of either yes or no. No other word is necessary.

How do I fulfill the thought process? When we brothers and sisters in Christ make a vow or promise or mere plans to do something, let's do it, eh? I know I have to really think things out before I make plans. For instance, last Thursday Adam wanted to get together after school and I said yes. Well, turns out I had to get together with my new advisor, yet I already made the plan with Adam. Instead of breaking the plan, I went ahead and pushed the appointment back a week. It worked out and I had an amazing prayer session with my brother. Where I'm the worst about keeping my word is with my family. So now I have to watch how I promise things to Eli (like taking walks-bad daddy).

In the end, we're all living lives and we're all busy. On top of that, "things happen." Emergencies and illnesses and children "happen." But we're not only hurting our friendships when we constantly break our words; we're ruining the true image of Christ that we're supposed to be reflecting to the world. Let's not be hypocrites.

Paul's Letter to Ephesus

2008-02-24T22:12:00.005-05:00

I have been making strides-bounds, really-in reading my Bible more often. Four lit. classes have tackled my time and roughed me up enough to have very little energy to read anything but scholastics. So, I have enjoyed reading through Ephesians for the dozenth time. The wonderful and awe-inspiring thing about the Word is its LIFE. It is always moving, lighting in spots I hadn't noticed before.

Chapter four, verse seven states: "But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ's gift." Further, ending the chapter, Paul writes, "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you" (31-32). Wow. First we're given gifts-unique gifts-and we don't all enjoy or use the same ones. Where I'm not as patient, a brother or sister is over-patient. When I achieve giving well-thought-out advice to another, someone else might struggle there. My mother-in-law is an awesome listener. She never makes you feel as if you're boring her. I can tell her how a clown of a customer said so-in-so and she'll keep on listening. Eventually when I shut up, she interjects a reasonable and better angle as to what they might have meant. I love my mom-in-law for that, but honestly, I just love her for using her gifts so well. Christ must be proud.

When we go into the world, are we being like the world, or are we merely passing through? Do we let others pull us down to levels that are way lower than we should ever sink? I will wake up tomorrow and go to work at a job I don't necessarily care for, but I know I'm doing what I can to care for my family. It's not much, but I know my tests of patience and endurance rest there. After reading these passages, I think I'll have a better outlook on those clown customers. They're just people who need Christ the way I do. We children of God have gifts that are begging to be expressed. We also have an obligation to be tenderhearted to the lost. We mustn't hold back our forgiveness for pride's sake. If we're to claim Jesus the Christ as our Savior-Savior from the darkest blackness that Hell can provide-then we have to forgive. He forgave us our sins-our absolute worst qualities in our worst garments of poverty-and He gave us life again. We can at least follow His lead by forgiving others of simple mistakes.

Father, Faith, Fasting

2008-02-21T16:47:00.003-05:00

My dad's still not well. It's been two.five years now and he's worse than I've ever seen him. His depression has seeped into every crevasse of his life. The anxiety has continued to push him into places he wishes not to go. My brothers and I are extremely alert to his fluctuating moods; generally they're bleak. So that's my father.

My faith is ever stable and never wavering, but I'm still sad. Of course I'm sad. My father-the best man in my wedding-has a "disease" that can't be cured by simple solutions. The Lord our Father has worked His will throughout this entire situation, yet we weak men don't see the outcome for His glory. It's hard to see anything optimistic or good, but our faith stays tough.

I think I'm going to fast. My father-in-law, my best male friend, recommended fasting as a reasonable and New Testament way to approach what's ailing my father. I need the help of those around me to accomplish such feats. I've fasted before, but it was for my personal relationship with God. Any ideas on how to humble myself enough to be noticed? Ugh...I feel so dirty in these rags.

What Is It?

2008-02-15T22:10:00.006-05:00

What is it about Faulkner that makes me cry?
What's in the words, the lack of sentences, the bulge of repetition?
Who bore such a man to create a different kind of southern style?

When did Poe realize he was beyond help?
How did he have enough courage to enter the House?
What if the pendulum swung twice more?

Dearest Camus, what's in Algiers that spurs you on?
My friend, Al-bear, did the plague not spread further than the walls?
Did the taunting of the man deserve the many shots fired?

Hated Ellis, I hate you.
Why did your fingers dare ruin my innocence?
How dare you ruin the only thing I had left.

Brother James, how your epistle spares me much heartache.
Moses, I thank thee for the beginning.
My Lord, Christ, blessed is Your revelation.

I'm No Determinist, But What of Eli's Existence?

2008-02-03T11:41:00.001-05:00

Thanks to Mom Rhoden's awesome call to watch our son as our primary caregiver, Cari and I got out last night to spend some time together without school or work. A conversation came up that we usually dance around and it was Eli's life. We cannot express-and I doubt we'd ever be able to speak such words-how much we love our son. We just can't. We do wonder what our lives would be like without him, though. Would I be at a different job or would Cari? Where would we be living? What friends would we be close to without a child to play with theirs? I guess it's anyone's guess but we like to play "What if?" from time to time.

I love these types of discussions because they're so rare, and I love talking with my wife for she's so brilliant in keeping the fire burning. We found ourselves wondering if Eli's existence could have been avoided...or if God's providence that he be born by the exact means undergone overrode our own plans. Now, I'm not to be misunderstood and say human beings-created sinners that we are-ever override God's plans. The Lord has seen as far forward as time exists and as far back as the first tick of the proverbial clock. He transcends time in that He is Lord of that creation as well as His others. I struggle with how I believe in the freedom of the will/choice and how the Almighty views our wills in regard to time. Does He look down the corridor of time and see the Hitlers from the Mother Theresas? And if he sees them, how does this affect their salvation?

I guess what I'm working through is how God allows us to procreate and not Divinely make us have children. Was Eli's birth at the exact second he breathed extra-womb air predetermined using Cari as the carrier of such birth, or could we have waited another year to have a different child? I love these mind-twisters and the mysteries of God because it means I care so strongly to know the character of God. He has allowed me so much and still He's giving in the area of knowledge and curiosity. There's no pride here, though, because I simply strive to know my Creator for His glory.

Here's another fun thought: I fully believe there could never be another one of us as we are now, based on when we were born. Eli couldn't have been Eli if he were born any time later or earlier. He would be different than who he is now, for better or worse. How does this work with what I'm desiring to comprehend? The Bible mentions how God opens and closes the womb (a verse or phrase I've forgotten so many times but wish to memorize) at His desire; so does He use time, freedom of the will, we the agents of the child, and our happiness to this advantage of childbearing? It'll be interesting to know these answers one day, but of course then it won't matter as it does now.

Another Birthday Says Goodnight, Dear Friend

2008-01-27T21:22:00.001-05:00

The day I was born was January 26th, 1981, at 5:06 p.m. Ten months or so before that I was conceived and God's master plan begun for one more human being in the countless magnitude he has sown together in the womb. It's spectacular, isn't it? He who is perfect has put us together in a way that only could be done by the Divine.

My son made me bookmarks for my birthday and my wife bought me a cheesecake sampler...yummmmmmmy in me tummy is all I can say. That's right: me tummy. I get childish when it comes to cheesecake.

This year was about ten times better than last year's official birthday because last year was the start of my silence to my mom. I've been feeling overwhelmed, again. Why can't I just have two normal parents who love one another like they're supposed to? Why can't my dad be healed from his atrocious malady? It's not...fair? Is sin really ever fair? When did I grow up to know curses aren't fictional like I thought when I was smaller and less significant? Is it fair to say I've grown at all in my maturity to comprehend the vastness that is blank void? Such blank voids are when the people around us whom we love till it hurts somehow get hurt, themselves, and we can do NOTHING to stop the pain.

Okay, let's clear the air. This year was better than last year's. I didn't see my friends and their smirks surprising me for my coolest-surprise party ever, but I did get to see them at Cari's dinner party, and that's fine with me. This year was better for it was simple. I bought myself a book and all the reliable people around me sent cards, cash, checks, love, warm words, and the typical "old man" comments. Did I mention the bookmarks? Totally radical. My son is a genius and it's probably thanks to Kamryn's (spelling, Kristi?) prayer for Eli to be strong and wise. I love the fact that Carissa helped Eli color all over paper and made a trinity of marks for my books. They're the best gifts I can be given because they're laced with love and determination. He's going to be great...strong...wise.

School is much better. I dare say I wasn't strong enough to tackle what I did to myself and schedule seven classes for the Spring semester. I do have to say that the winter's winding down is disheartening, though. I know it's cold now (at this very moment it's dropping to the supposed forties), but come on, where's the weather that makes a simple 4 a.m. trip to the bathroom hurt? Maybe we should move to South Carolina. I think there are great things in S.C. (not the win for Huckabee, but hey, at least McCain did well). Isn't that the state with the palm tree and crescent moon?

Speaking of politics, I wish I knew what to do. I'm full of wishes that aren't to be granted by copper or golden teapots found in sand. I want Huckabee to win it all: he's talented enough to find answers that I think are out there concerning "the war." He loves the Lord willingly and openly and I feel strongly that our post-modern society is starving from a leader like him. That to say, I'm not thinking preaching from the White House is a novel idea, but you get my drift. I think-I know-John McCain is my next best vote. He can win Florida, with or without me tearing down Romney signs.

Drowning in School

2008-01-09T22:18:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it but I'm completely swamped and drowning in school right now! I knew this semester would be tough with six courses (had to drop English Novel because-well, the title should be enough of an explanation), but this is ridiculous. I shouldn't be on here at all. I should be reading about Elizabethan history or attempting my MS Office classes. I feel so overwhelmed and nearly sick. I hate this feeling. It's a claustrophobic feeling that I got when I was going in for my second appendectomy. The doctors had to give me something for my anxiety. Bleh, this is troubling. Why did I take this much school in one semester? Oh yeah: to get ahead; to better myself; to get my family out of someone else's house and into our own.

I told Cari tonight that we should go to high schools and give speeches about how to not mess up future plans because there wasn't a past plan. First, don't plan on having a baby without at least a Bachelor's Degree. Second, buy a mini-van or reliable SUV early and have it paid off by the time your first child's born. Third, have money in the bank for a house down payment, at least twenty percent of the house's worth. Low interest rates then.

Instead of this great master plan we're doing the best with what we've got. Gotta love the ironies in life. Gotta love God's patience with us. I guess I'll go read about Queen Elizabeth or at least read John Smith's diary entries for some lit class whose title I can't recall at this hour.

Happy Holidays?

2007-12-19T10:40:00.001-05:00

The holidays are supposed to be happy, right? For our poor friends, the Landons, they've run across more bad luck than usual. Jeff found out that his pastoral position isn't needed any longer at Cross Pointe. Even the Children's Ministry Director is being let go. To say I'm disgusted is merely a side note, for this reeks of trouble. How is a church to go on without having a director for the children? These kids count on volunteers and Ileana to learn about Jesus in a safe and comfortable environment. Now I don't know what they plan on doing without her.

The more I grow up, the more I understand these confusing moments in time that don't make sense. True, by giving up the two positions of leadership they'll save a lot of money. But what about the dedication they've shown? A month's severance? It doesn't seem right.

Madison, Jeff's daughter, came down with a virus the other night and hasn't been eating or drinking. The sweet girl looked so tired and out of it Sunday night when we and the Wilsons visited the Landons. We pray Eli doesn't catch the same virus but as it's been a couple of days, we're pretty sure he's in the clear. Madison should be released from the hospital today, said Jeff, but it's still in the air. At least they still have their health insurance. And at least we continued our "Charlie Brown Christmas" tradition with friends.

I guess I'm arguably tired of these types of anguish. Lately I've become bitter against the world for its atrocities it keeps pumping out. This morning the world found out Britney Spears' sister is pregnant...at 16, I think is what they reported...16! Good job, older sister: show her how it can be to be washed out and famous at the same time.

We have such a task in this world-this one shot in history-to teach our children the best ways to do things and to also apply those ways to our own lives. We have to do what we ask of them. Cari mentioned that a way we could better ourselves is to read Eli the Bible while giving him his night milk. What a wonderful idea!, I thought. Then we'll be getting in our own readings. It breaks my heart to think he won't like to read when he's older, but as my father-in-law remarked, he'll probably like/love it if I show him that I do. This isn't to say that reading is the only thing I'll show him, but it should be the most important "hobby" because it's one of the best ways to comprehend God's character.

All that to say, I've rambled enough. Now we're heading out to have lunch with Adam and Amy and then on to more Christmas shopping. Surprise, surprise!

Too Difficult To Reason

2007-12-08T18:40:00.000-05:00

For those who lose loved ones, how do you cope? I know how to get through a funeral of an uncle or great-grandmother, but what about the babies that never breathed outside the womb? I struggled through my two hamsters' deaths, but how do I express the love I've lost for one I never met? I've cried for friends and family, but will my tears ever end this special one?

I feel so selfish for exclaiming my sorrow when there are others who feel the pain innumerable times over about this circumstance. Cari and I have tried dealing with this situation over the past couple of days and we keep coming up with confused looks. Why sometimes God calls a young one home (I don't even want to get into the theological aspects too deeply here) before the time we feel they should have is beyond me. I don't have it in me to answer the tougher questions like these.

I guess the whole reason I'm posting such an awkwardly indirect piece like this is to explain my love for Christ, first. He is good to us in ways we can't comprehend. Sometimes babies aren't strong enough to make it and it's best their lives be stopped then. If my hope is true, these babies will be with the Heavenly Father forever.

To our friends, we love you. We're forever with you and we can't describe our feelings of sadness for you. One day we'll not cry nor feel pain. One day we'll worship at His feet and forget these past lives of pain and heartache. Until then, we pray for continual friendships and love between our families. Again, we love you.

What's With Musicians?

2007-12-05T11:01:00.000-05:00

What's with musicians these days? Since when did they become political activists? Come on, Bono, what injustice did you release into the world with your "Sunday, Bloody Sunday?" Pink's new song disgusts me! Why do I know if it? While spending time building a book tower with Eli this morning we were skipping around from "Saved By the Bell" to "Fox News" and to the "music channels" (they barely play music videos these days: another irk). First there's the Pink video, named something to the effect of, "Mr. President." Okay, so now someone with that hair is telling me and millions (billions, really) of people that our president is basically the worst person ever? I'm sick of these adolescents and young adults publicly announcing the "sins" of our President, a man whose position allows him respect and strength. I know if a Democrat is elected next year, I'll gnash my teeth and cry. I'll cry but I'll allow that person (it used to just be "that man" but with Hillary, well...) respect unless they don't deserve it.

Maybe that's where these "rockers" and I differ in our views. They think President Bush can wave his hand and terrorism will be gone and we can all live in a neo-hippie state of peace. Pass the bong, man? Nah, I don't think so. We can drive hybrids that supposedly get awesome gas mileage and ride our bikes. We can carpool and turn off our unused lights. Let's even buy energy saving materials and accessories for our homes. Let's scoff at Gore's hypocrisy and angrily shake our fists towards the private jets that ruin our skies. Let's join hands and then when we let go, sanitize them with hand antibacterial soaps. But let's not for a single moment be rude and send hate messages to the President of the United States.

How hard would it be to be reading to children and hear the Twin Towers were flown into by our own planes? On top of that, the President had to hear it was a terrorist action, something he had good reason to believe had potential in our borders? Let's see ANYONE ELSE do with what he was handed what Bush did that day and the days to come. As the band Live sang shortly after, "Where were you when the world fell apart?", where were our supporters for democracy on that fateful day? Why do we pay attention when some smug teenager sings about the injustices of American politics or some immature 50 year-older who is trying to relive his anti-Vietnam days while sneering through his cigarette? Come on, people! Don't we realize the serious outcomes of spitting in the wind? The world's problems won't be remedied by music videos detailing mass genocide or, as I also saw this morning, Linkin Park's rioters being fought by government police.

I'm sick, sick, sick of Americans fighting Americans in this way. Why is love for mankind only for those without American citizenship? Can we not love each other as we love the stranger? In light of Camus' ideals, this is absurd! This is the truly ludicrous and ridiculous. We give illegal immigrants more justice than the border patrolers and local police officers. We give more money to sports stars and idiots with microphones than the brilliant minds who discovered medicinal remedies to the world's worst epidemics. What about the authors whose writings are more powerful than the largest bullet? "The pen is mightier than the sword," said Edward Bulwer-Lytton. Earlier than he, Euripides said, "The tongue is mightier than the blade." Are we so deaf to think our words don't have consequences?

I guess all my rantings have come from inside my gut where I let these issues grumble. Finally, like the fated cities of Pompeii and Herculaneum, this blog has been exposed to such words of anger and impatience with our American culture. I wish-I pray-that Christ's return is a quick one. Though I love my life, my love (Cari), my beloved (Eli), I'm overly done with the most free nation being so stupid with its freedoms.

Reading Schedule

2007-11-29T16:42:00.001-05:00

So lately I've been reading a lot more secular books than Christian-based ones. I feel bad and I wonder if it's the Holy Spirit speaking to me to get back on track. It's like this is the only thing that's been on my mind as of late. I LOVE reading but I dislike feeling guilty for reading Albert Camus or Jean-Paul (Baptiste) Sartre. Isn't all truth from God? Am I not able to still enjoy other reading?

I've come to a conclusion thanks to many good thinkers around me: I'm going to make it a point to read my Bible and theology at least four times a week. I know, I know-I should be reading those sources a lot more than that, but it's a rational and logical start, and I'm all about rationality and logic.

Other than making myself anxious about reading, things have been pretty calm. I've come down with some sort of sore throat/sinus infection combination that's terribly annoying. I can't even sleep in my own bed next to Cari because of my scratchy throat and runny nose. I'm exhausted all of the time and I feel as though I can't concentrate on anything. If you know me at all you know I'm a terrible listener and payer-of-attention, and I'm also the worse in the memory department. Thanks to this illness, I'm worse by far.

Anyway, other than complaining (which is also my specialty) I'll leave you with good wishes for the holidays. Au revoir!

Eli's First Birthday Party

2007-11-05T10:08:00.000-05:00

Elias James has a birthday coming a week from today, but we had his friends party last night. It was so much fun and I think the line, "It's (his) party and (he'll) cry if he wants to" might be appropriate for our sweet boy. He was so tired the entire week being dragged around from party store to Target and back to another store with a party theme. Finally yesterday was his day to shine and see all his friends.

The list of people is as follows: my parents and Mimi, the Wilsons, the Hataways, the Corteses, the Landons, the Bergs, Cari's parents, and my brother, Tim. Auntie Nana came later just in time for Bocce Ball, provided by the Rhodens. We had a blast getting to see all our friends and catching up with each family. We're immensely blessed for a major prayer answered with them all. When Cari and I were dating and engaged, we prayed for a group of friends who were close in age and situation (children, married, just-engaged, dating, etc.). We have all of these facets in our friends. Most have children, and the ones without are deeply in love with their spouses, and more importantly, deeply in love with our Christ. We've never been happier to be around such wonderful and gracious friends.

Eli got to play with his buds in the hay we had stacked in the backyard lined with small pumpkins (compliments to Great Aunt Brenda and Great Uncle Bill). They crawled through the soft grass after one another in search of blacker dirt on their pants. We took so many great pictures that hopefully Cari will put on our Picasa site. The birthday boy also got to enjoy his cupcake with orange frosting. Finally, before we attempted to put him down for a nap, Eli opened his awesome gifts from the gang. Elmo is now the "thing" Eli loves the most, especially the Tickle Me Elmo X-treme that my parents got him. Honestly, though, the guitar and spiral toy that the Hataways and Landons (in order respectively) gave him have been hits, as well. Thanks to the Corteses, Eli will look sharp at church or a wedding in his beautiful attire. It's funny to see him try to ride the horse with lights and sounds that Mimi gave him; he thinks it's going to go further than it does, and when it doesn't, he growls as if to say, "Faster! Yah, yah!" Cari and I even got a Chili's gift card from the Wilsons that we intend to use for a date night or two.

We couldn't have asked for a better turn out or party. A few people couldn't show up and they were missed, but overall, everything went so well. Cari really has to be complimented on her skill at throwing fun parties. She first held my surprise birthday party this January, and now another perfect and fun time was had thanks to her. We appreciate, also, all the hard work and dedication from the Rhodens for opening their home to fellow Christians who desire God first in what they do. We couldn't have had the great time we did without their spacious house and backyard. To anyone I missed for helping, thank you. It's sometimes the people in the background that do the most.

In the end, I thank my Lord for gorgeous weather and the best friends and family a guy like me could ask for. We've been blessed so many times over by His ever-giving hands, and He gave us a day to remember forever yesterday. The fun thing is we get to do it all over again next Sunday with more family and Karis being here to eat cake and spend time with Eli. I'm sure there will be another post on that party.

Pumpkin Patch 2

2007-10-10T15:58:00.000-04:00

Alrighty, we're back from the patch and it was great! I wish we could have stayed longer but since it's Florida, even the fall weather can be hazardous to any baby's health. We faced the heat and took dozens and dozens of pictures, so here's one for now.

This is Eli staring off to his right amongst his orange friends.

Initially we were going to let Eli choose his first pumpkin, but he was more interested in playing with hay and pieces of grass. We grabbed one and hopefully we'll carve it soon.

Pumpkin Patch

2007-10-10T10:33:00.000-04:00

So we're heading to a pumpkin patch today. I, like Kim, LOVE THE FALL AND OCTOBER AND HALLOWEEN. Why all the caps? 'Cause.

Cari did some awesome detective work and found a close pumpkin patch that doesn't charge admission and appears to be interesting enough to hold Eli's attention. We're taking our camera and hopefully will load those up later so to show off our chubby monkey.

Last night at Sonic Burger (is that it's name?) we went out with the Landons for the five-for-five deal they have. I ate three and Cari one, but she could've eaten more. We got flavored drinks (Cari had something put in her Sprite and I had cranberry in my Coke); they have the best ice. We all got to talking about children and when each couple would try for a second. Madison was sleeping at the time and Eli was eating his puffs and Cheerios. Sitting there in the cooler weather (still in the eighties) made me wish we were in the position to get Eli a sibling.

Sometimes during the conversation I felt as if I slipped out my mind's back door and went into another room to think. Am I not relying on God's providence when it comes to raising my family? Should Cari and I just proceed to be a married couple and allow the One we lean on to work His will out in our children? It's so difficult to know what to do and when.

So many years ago people relied on God in ways that simply humble me. They looked to Him for guidance in where they would work or lay their heads; simple people who turned to the Lord for relief from pressures and their own proud ways. When I'm proud or arrogant, I turn to God; for some reason, though, I have a harder time letting go of my own reasoning when it comes to my family. I guess this is how I learn to grow in Him.

Well, Eli just woke from his nap so it's on to the wonderful day off with my two favorite people. Maybe soon we'll have those pictures posted!

2007-09-30T21:03:00.000-04:00

So...Eli ate tar. What's tar, you ask? This is how Encarta Dictionary describes it: "tar-thick black liquid: a thick black liquid obtained through the destructive distillation of an organic substance such as wood or coal." Let me explain.

Our chubby monkey has been cutting a tooth for about three or four days now and has been as cranky as those old men who complain about the cost of milk "nowadays." We went to the beach to wear him out a little while getting us outside in the gorgeous weather we've had lately. We weren't there too long before he needed his milk, and trying to build a sand castle with a ten and a half-month child is difficult, to say the least. We saw earlier that he had a little tar on his thumb as he stuck it into his mouth, but thought he picked it up earlier. Sippy cup in, sippy cup out...tar. There was an amount that both horrified and sickened me at the same time. There was tar on the entirety of the roof of Eli's mouth, yet he cried because he was being restrained from drinking his milk.

Three lifeguards and two EMTs later and we were at the hospital on the inner-coastal. Eventually we made it through triage, and the casual jean-wearing doctor and loose-lipped nurse/technician held Eli down to swab out the nasty black junk in his mouth. We felt so badly for him because they had to restrain him for a few minutes while they got as much out as they could.

In the end we learned a few things: Eli will put ANYTHING in his mouth; Cocoa is a great name for a red rat-looking, homemade bear given to patients; and a hospital isn't the best place for an eighty year-old receptionist when we're frantically trying to find the ER entrance.

All in all, God in all His name's three letters (ironically {but not really} also "I Am") is a God who not only holds up the very universe from collapsing on itself; holds me back from punching out people who push me too far for loving Him; but is also the One who saves, saved us the trouble of a lot of mourning while keeping Eli from harm. Again, and always such a pleasure, I'm humbled and thankful for His mercy.

I Wish I Wasn't So Selfish

2007-09-24T21:19:00.000-04:00

I wish I wasn't so selfish. No, I don't wish to be a shellfish, nor will I sell fish, but I wish I wasn't so selfish. This story involves an elderly woman, immense sadness, and a rejuvenated joy. Get to the point already? Sure, here goes.

I nearly didn't write this post because I was afraid it'd come off sounding like I was a high school dramatist wearing black clothes that are too hot for Florida weather, all while drinking McDonald's coffee, frowning at my choice of this drink over always-reliable Coke, wishing there really were Starbuck's restaurants everywhere like in the movies or post-modern novels.

The other day I was working and doing what I could to put gas in our two vehicles, mocha frappuccinos in our bellies, and diapers over Eli's butt. Something drew my attention to two women who were silently and gleefully shopping for what appeared to be nothing out of the ordinary. There she was, the most depressing and horribly sad expression for a human being that had passed my vision in never-too-long. I say never-too-long because there's no amount of time that needed to be counted in this sort of occasion.

This woman, this...creature that God had made with His precious hands...she nearly toppled me and crushed my kneecaps with her appearance. I don't get this-I didn't understand what about her dropped me as happened, but there she was. Elderly describes her age, but what of her other features...her hair billowed, like an alto-cumulus cloud that has gone white in fright of lightning. Her glasses were homely, strangely perfect for her face...nothing else could fit her as these glasses did. This woman's skin drooped slightly, gravity winning its hold on her years. The mouth: small, quaint, really, home to warm air that breathed slowly, yet always ready to speed up in case of trouble. Then there was her posture. She slumped as most older people do, but the crescent that made her back won't leave my mind's eye. She held on to the shopping cart as if her entire life has climaxed into never letting go.

I have saved her eyes for last for my heart needed time to prepare to recall all that I remember. There's no logic to my memory of what this woman looked like, but the eyes...those starry and innocent eyes. What is it about the eyes that crush me like a can under a tire?! One eye of this incredibly sobering woman was lower than the other, but only because the eyelid of her right eye lost its fight to gravity far before the left. Instead of porcelain or maybe off-white, her lower lid allowed the redness within her eye to come out, showing what most people would selfishly think to be gross or in need of medical attention.

There's not a lot that I fully grasp in life. I have a hard time comprehending friendship, love, hate, and patience. I don't quite get life as it opens before me. For some reason, I do understand this woman's beauty. My flesh says she's unlovable and not pretty in any sense of the word. My soul-my very spirit driven by God-calls to her in a hands-out kind of way saying, "You ARE beautiful! You are the innocence I thought was gone forever."

As all these descriptions and thoughts harshly flooded my brain and heart, she was gone, as quiet as she came. Before I lost her forever, this old woman floated along behind her lifeline, the shopping cart, shyly making her way through my world as wall flowers usually do. Her pressed lips were so tiny, but I distinctly heard her say to me and only me, "Don't let them see me this way."

Oh God! This is true, I understand it now. This is how You look at me. Well, before your Son took me by the hand with me saying, "Please, don't let them see me this way."

As The Wind Blows

2007-09-04T17:13:00.000-04:00

As the wind blows, my refund check is spent. It's almost comical how quickly our money flees us when we need it to stretch further, but when one thinks about it, the point of money is to pay for things we aren't willing or can't make ourselves. I can't make more money, but I can spend what's been given to me. This semester I received three grants that overpaid for my tuition and books, leaving our checking account bulging. To get to where we are, though, Mr. Credit Card came to the rescue on more than one occasion. So about the amount I received for school and overage paid off the credit card, leaving my checking account at an all-too familiar low and the credit at zero spent.

The reason this non-dramatic story is making it to the blog is two-fold: for one, I should be doing school work and this seemed more appealing; two, this ALWAYS happens and must be stressed in black and white. Pretty much every cent and dollar have gone to bills for operations or every-day expenses. "Get another job, Justin," some say. Yes, this is a terribly good idea and yes, I just might take your advice. When I ask where I should work to bring in more cash, these voices full of advice leave me all alone.

Now one might scold me for thinking such things. They might even kick me right in the head, knocking in some much-needed sense. I can only hope that before the blows come to head, I can explain. Though my family of three seems to have the ill-est of luck saving or holding onto money, we've never struggled so badly that we were poor or even to the brink of insanity. Does this mean God loves us more than the poor? Nonsense! It means whatever it means, but it doesn't mean I'm angry or bitter. HE has provided so many times for us in times of stress and pain that I'd never have the breath in me to begin to say, "God hasn't provided for us."

The Lord Almighty has brought me from death's cold hands on at least three major occasions in my life, two of those while married. Okay, so "three times" isn't accurate. I've been in car accidents, nearly drown while surfing in a hurricane, was almost bitten by rattlers and cotton mouths while fishing, and had run-ins with some pretty cruel people. Twice my appendix gave me the jolt out of normality I didn't need, and one time...well, that time shan't be recorded anymore. He has provided. How many times have I walked and could have died in so many gruesome ways? Might I have fallen by virus or lightning? I was nearly struck on two reality-striking occasions by the light from the sky. Five feet is just too close to be burned.

With all these things in memory, I would never think to say He hasn't provided. If I have one of those days where I forget these things, maybe I'll imagine what spikes through my wrists and feet would be like. Or what about my flogged body against splintering wood? I could try to imagine pushing off my nailed feet to breathe, only to fall back against the wood post and repeat the never-ending painful movement. Whenever I think about the friends I don't currently have, maybe I'll remember how they fled and left Him alone to be taken prisoner. It's all nonsense to think so selfishly.

Thank You, my God, for the money you provide for my family. Even more, thank You for redemption.

Reconcilliation

2007-09-01T16:58:00.000-04:00

Last year ended strangely. First, through a lot of hard work, Cari had Eli in November. I don't think there has been a happier day in my entire life (other than meeting Cari and marrying her) than when he was born. Thanksgiving and Christmas soon came and went, but these holidays were different than the others. Because Cari was recovering from the labor and getting accustomed to having a baby to feed every two hours, it was difficult for us to get around and mingle. We told our families that we were going to go to their houses for a little while and head back home sooner than usual. My mom sees holidays as a big deal and it must've been hard for her to see us for so short a time.

The days after Thanksgiving were hard because they started a downhill portion of my family's relationship with my parents and brothers. Once Christmas was over, New Year's probably was the last holiday for awhile that there was much talking between the two families. Not even I really know how the silence lasted so long, but for about nine months I didn't talk often with my mom and only so often with my father.

I tried reconciling with my mom but it was too early (even though three or four months fled before our eyes) to get much out in a non-convicting way. My dad was always good about asking when we were going to talk again, but to no avail. I just didn't wish to get back into the mix with my family. I liked having dinner with my father occasionally and leaving it at that. My brothers' attitudes were very discriminatory and accusing towards me. They took my mom's side because it's the only one they heard. I had no intentions of violently confronting them, but I made my side known through short contact.

Finally, last week, my dad had dinner with us and helped us to see it was time for another true shot at being a family again. For my brother's birthday we went over to the house and started off pretty well. Before long, though, I heard the sarcasm in my mom's voice and I bit my tongue not to reply in the same manner. Eventually things got better and the night survived our visit.

I guess the whole reason I'm writing this is because I've not really thought much of the party since it and it's "nice" that everything went okay. I guess it's nice. Who am I kidding? Maybe it's nice. I'm trying to keep a strong sense of accomplishment but at the same time, weariness. Do people really change? I guess time will tell.

Bananas in my hair!

2007-08-17T22:26:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone! Justin and I have had this blog site for a while now but I have yet to write anything on here, quite honestly I had forgotten we even had a blog site. So... I thought tonight would be a good time since my two loves are fast asleep.

Random thoughts: When Justin and I were living in our apartment we used to always play Tag. We would run around the apartment trying to catch one another while trying not to run too hard so we wouldn't disturb our downstairs neighbors, however, I didn't really care about bothering them because I found them to be rather rude. We still occasionally will play Tag, but tonight's game was the best of all. Briana even got involved in this one. I do not recall what started the game but somehow bananas were introduced. We all three chased each other with Eli's left over bananas. Justin successfully smeared bananas all through out mine and Briana's hair. But I wonderfully crammed and smashed banana all inside Justin's ear!!! An hour later he found more crusty banana on the back of his neck! My hair is still crusty by the way... and my neck, and my arms, and I just found some in my ear as well. I need to take a shower.

Before Justin and I got married he had lived by himself for a year, and before that he had lived on his own with roommates for a year and a half or so. So, needless to say when we got married and I moved in with him he had to adjust to someone in his personal space again. He was extremely patient with me and welcomed me with open arms to his once bachelor pad. I was taking a shower soon after we had wed and I noticed that his shampoo, conditioner, and other miscellaneous bottles were all perfectly facing label out, in the same exact direction, neatly closed. I began conspiring. I simply turned one bottle, label out, just facing the other direction. Later, Justin enters the shower. I had forgotten about what I had done till I heard "Cari?!". "Yes?" I answered. "Did you use my shampoo?! Not that I care, but I was just wondering!". I laughed! Then one day I saw a stack of Tic Tac mints neatly organized in a pyramid. I removed the top one. It took him about three minutes to notice. I spent the rest of our days in the apartment purposely rearranging his belongings simply to amuse myself. I'm thinking I should pick that habit back up again, it was a fun one! I also loved to hide behind corners and jump out at Justin and hear him shriek as he exclaimed he knew I was there! Yeah, sure! My favorite scare was when he was in the shower when I got home from work early. I had a cold and had no voice so I didn't bother popping my head in to tell him I was home. When the shower turned off I realized I would probably frighten him since he didn't know I was there. So, I went into the bedroom and sat on the bed, I don't know why I thought that was less scary. So, Justin comes out of the shower wrapped in a towel and walks into the bedroom. He saw me and just started screaming!! He even stopped to take a breath in between screams! I just sat there with this completely innocent look on my face that said "I'm so sorry"! Even as he stared at me he continued to scream. I ended up laughing hysterically! Keep in mind I had a cold, I could not talk nor could I breathe through my nose, which almost led me to pass out! Justin has given me tremendous laughs since we've been married, unfortunately most of them were at his expense. But those are the moments in our marriage that I can look back on and always smile and laugh about with him. Justin is wonderful, he completes my life!

Eli: He is such a boy. He eats whatever he finds on the ground. Grass, dirt, shoes, dog food, bug wings...all of my energy is spent chasing him and taking things out of his mouth. He also now thinks it's belly laughing funny when he burps or passes gas. I can't help but laugh a little too when he does it! He also has ZERO fear or perception of heights. The edge of the bed means nothing to him! I now change his diaper on the ground instead of the changing table since he thinks the changing table is meant for gymnastics. However, the floor isn't much easier. As soon as the diaper comes undone he takes off crawling and sitting wherever he can in the room, gross. He also likes to put his thumb in his mouth after EVERY SINGLE bite of food and then proceeds to smear it all over his face, so messy.

Needless to say, Justin and Eli are the top two of my most wonderful joys! I'm so proud of Justin for making the Dean's list at UCF, his hard work truly pays off. He's extremely intelligent and I am excited for the day when he is a professor and can share his knowledge with others. Justin's life is busy. He works full time, goes to school full time, is a husband, and a father. He manages to still somehow spend time with us and make our days off together fun. I am proud of Eli and the accomplishments he tackles every day that he is growing. He's a curious little boy and I'm thankful for that, I think it means he'll be smart like his daddy. I love them!

2007-08-17T19:02:00.000-04:00

Hello, fellow bloggers. Once again a longer period of time has gone by since the last post, and again, I hope to update more often. Kim actually has re-sparked my interest in this particular outlet for one-way conversation (before comments, that is).

Cari is still a great mom; nothing has changed there. She's making more efforts in doing things with her friends, especially other moms. I used to feel so bad for her because it was difficult to go out with Eli as a newborn babe. Now, with our son growing up so quickly, she's able to connect with other moms and friends from her past.

Eli has bore one tooth so far, but its progress is grass-growing slow. Actually, here in Florida grass can grow quite quickly, so maybe Eli's tooth is growing slower? Yes. He's keeping everyone busy by pulling up on chairs, stools, couches, or someone's leg, all while doing what we all do and heading sky-bound. I sometimes can't remember my life before Eli; the times I can are unsettling and I'd rather not recall many of those memories. Though, on that note, I do miss times staring at Cari and not wishing to remember times before her. Can we just forget our pasts? Are the pasts of people certainly the backdrops for something monumental? Do all my wicked and dark nights merely fall away to the saintlier and light-filled days?

These strange thoughts aside, Eli has brought us unimaginable joy. I find myself misty-eyed when my mind hovers over his face or the simple things he brings to my life. I know I wouldn't be the man I am without his very being. I know I'm not much of a man-who is, really? If one is chosen to be "much of a man" by others, I wish I could be as they are: memorable and inspirational. That to say, the man I have become is odd and confusing, and yet, I'm at peace with most of the choices I've made. For the baby boy who has captured my heart with net and trident, I wish I could give him more. I also wish I could give my wife a house with a yard to which we'll hire workers to keep it short and green. I wish I could set out a cooler with ice-cold drinks for those workers, paying each person for the labor they've done for me, having friendships with each of them. I wish Cari could wave hello to them and tell Eli to say hello; he'll of course do as mommy tells him, with sincerity in his heart because he knows the Lord's kindness. I wish we could walk to a lake and cast a line or two, fishing from a clean, sandy beach. From here my wishes become more and more selfish; instead, they should be prayers of a hopeful future for the family I've taken on.

Now Eli is coming after me and the laptop; oh no!

For me, school has been incredible. It's been difficult and hard to chew, and at the same time, it's been worth it. Or has it? The time I spent reading and writing and reading some more could have been used with my two loves...three loves. I gave up reading the Word all summer and I've paid a high price. My faith has stayed the course but my interests have strayed. Instead of God being my best Friend and the warmth in my bones, I've sacrificed Him again and again for papers graded with an A. What lengths we men go to as we run from our God to find something that doesn't exist. We're searching in vain for everything we don't need and forgetting the very Person we couldn't live without.

All these regrets and queer remarks have climaxed into a much-needed release of daily hints that I need Jesus the Christ, Savior of the World, now, Now, NOW. Do you remember the day you felt this way? If not, oh, I wish you could.

What's New

2007-06-03T13:29:00.000-04:00

I haven't written on here in awhile, so I thought I would tell how our family is doing these days.

So far Cari and I have grown a lot more in the past month. I don't know what hit us, but we decided to make more time and give more attention to our relationship. Maybe it's now with Eli sleeping through the night that we find most convenient to spend together. Even if we don't get into deep conversations or play games, just being around my wife makes me content. I would love to go through a book with her, so maybe that can happen once school slows down.

Eli has been growing like a weed-a fat weed. He's right at 21 pounds, 6.5 months old. Right now he's crying because he doesn't wish to nap, but we've found that if we don't rush to him every time he cries, it actually does him good.

School for me has been strenuous to say the least. I'm exhausted all of the time, but I'm learning how to be patient.

That's about all I have to mention now. Hopefully there will be a more extiting post later.

We're So Happy For You!

2007-05-09T20:56:00.000-04:00

Like the title hints, we're so happy for you, Godins! I think, if there were a medal for people happiest for another baby in your family, we'd get the gold. We love you and your family! We also pray God blesses every second of your family through this emotional time of joy.

Swing Thoughts

2007-05-02T10:56:00.000-04:00

Oh, how parenthood is difficult! Ha ha, what a way to begin an entry. I figure other parents can empathize, even if they don't comment out loud. Isn't it funny how our sons and daughters know when we really need to do something, yet they want our attention right then and there? I was typing up my resume for a possible new job (thanks for the opportunity, Jeremy), and Eli decided his morning nap would only last as long as it took Cari to lie down for her nap. So here I am wondering how to invent more arms (like Doc Octopus, eh?) so I can type, keep Eli occupied, and gently pull my hair out at the same time. Finally, as always when I seek His wisdom and time, God took my hands out of my hair and led me upstairs to take my son outside for some fresh air. There on the swing, I noticed how green the grass was and how black the soil appeared. I then began contemplating if anyone can ever think of enough questions about God. From that mindset (Eli was sucking his thumb as his REMs [rapid-eye movement] slowly rose), I wondered if God ever gets bored.

Let me pause here and somewhat help the reader understand my ramblings. When I hold Eli, my thoughts turn to God even more than when I'm alone or talking with Cari. I think it's because I'm still stunned that an ex-mess-up like me could have had a part in making a child like him. When I kiss his soft hair or stare into his grey-blue eyes, I don't just indulge in his existence, I fall in love with his character.

From that slight pause, I'll finish up so you can get back to checking your mail or the many other things you do online. Wondering if God gets bored, I tried laying out the query in front of me in the grass. On one side, being bored is something that human beings hold as a point of view. We're created in His image, not only (or merely) physically, but more or less with morals and character traits. We hold dear many of the things God holds dear. On the other side of the coin, being bored is mostly a negative trait. It shows impatience with a set stance on something. Well, God doesn't own negative qualities, so is that a slam-shut case that God doesn't get bored? Maybe.

Looking at God's character even further, we have as an example that Christ rebuked His disciples (Peter on numerous occasions), and even asked them rhetorically how long He had to put up with their misunderstandings of His kingdom. This, though, is not a case for Christ's being bored or impatient, but, I think, a frustration that it took these men so long to grasp His mission and revelation. I mention this story to hold fast to God's enduring patience.

Before Eli started stirring, I came to the conclusion that God could not become bored because that would limit His attention, His patience with creation or within the Godhead, and that would be extremely against His character. It's amazing how the Spirit reveals these thoughts to us in moments of peace and understanding. I need to remember these qualities when I'm doing something "more important" than being with my son. I say this soberly: there isn't a thing in this world (other than my wife) that is more important than he.

Our New Van!

2007-04-26T16:17:00.000-04:00

Hello, all, we bought a new van. What kind, you ask? The 2007 Hyundai Entourage, I answer! After nearly being duped by Universal Hyundai, my father-in-law called around and found a better deal than the first up in Sanford. Hurrying up there, after much time negotiating and putting our feet down in protest, we got a price that fit our desire.

Who says babies can't drive cars? Well, okay, they can't drive cars, but what about vans?!

Eli Eats and Swims

2007-04-14T19:27:00.000-04:00

Eli has grown up so quickly! Cari and I got to feed him organic sweet peas the other night. At first he didn't seem to like it the way he ate the rice cereal. He finally swallowed the horrible-I mean, delicious dinner and hasn't seemed to mind it as badly since then.

Today, with the thermometer boiling at ninety, we felt it was time for our chubby monkey to go into the pool. Thankfully the Blairs have a swimming hole that's warmer than most others, and it appeared to be just right for Eli. He never really made any reactions that gave us an inside understanding on how he felt, but at least he didn't hate it. Towards the end of the fun, I noticed Eli was floating all by himself. I guess his belly will never let him down, literally.

Men of God

2007-04-03T22:17:00.000-04:00

Before I write on the main subject, let me first thank God for my wife. Usually I'm thanking Him for her for the love and respect she gives me daily; the lunch she made me at 11 p.m.; the errands she runs for our family; or even the way she helps Eli in learning new things. Tonight, I'm thankful for the time she allows me to get closer to God through the men at our church. Even after being with Eli from early this morning till I got home around four, she kept taking care of our son while I was home and out the door going to a friend's house. I love my wife, but not just for these reasons. I love her because she's the exact person I'm supposed to be with, and because she is my much better half. She knows my thoughts as I'm conjuring them up, and when I fall apart and fall down, she uses the strength Christ allows her to pick me back up, dust me off, and comfort me. So, thank you, Carissa, for being so perfect as my wife and as Eli's mother.

All that to say, as Cari was changing a diaper, I left and went to Mike's place with Jeff. When we got there, Mike informed us that his radiator was slightly cracked; then I informed him that I didn't know what that meant, lol. I'm not much for the mechanics of vehicles. Mark showed up later and we all talked, discussed the things of God and politics, and watched an episode of "The Office." That show is terribly funny!

I think tonight I realized even fuller that our local church doesn't have to be perfect. We Christians should strive for perfection in Christ, but it takes time. Not every one is going to know theology to the level I wish they did. Not every man is going to lead their family the way the Bible promotes they should. We're not all scholars or teachers. We're not all good with children or groups of people. I wish I could say I was as patient as Jeff or as loving as Mike. I wish I had the fire to learn like Mark or the leadership like Jay. I, though, am not these men. I am a person who is not usually patient, but I strive to be. I don't like too much fun, but just enough. I could talk about God every second of every day and never burn out, but others around me might not want to. I have to realize that the body of Christ, our church, is full of different people with different gifts and different desires. I need humility like rain needs water: rain is water, so I should be the very essence of humility.

I thank our Lord for bringing these men and their families to my family's life. I am thankful that we've been placed in theirs, as well. I pray I'll never have to leave my friends, but the thing I look forward to is what I set my faith on: for eternity I'll know them, my brothers, and forever we'll praise God's name together.

The Heltons Go to Firestone

2007-03-31T17:31:00.000-04:00

The days finally wound down to last night's concert. Cari and I headed to Club Firestone after I got off from work. At first I was surprised that my wife even wanted to accompany me to this shindig, but I am so glad she did.

We didn't know what to expect when we got there but we quickly made our way around the club, checking out the local "cause" of the local charity, tee-shirts, and finally the upstairs hangout where we stayed the entire concert.

The first band we thought was going to play was Meg and Dia, but for unknown reasons they didn't show. So, the concert kicked off with Jonezetta and they were great!

Their music has a neat sound, like there's a keyboard but no keyboardist. I figured they were playing over a track, but it was a sweet way to start the show, anyway.

Then, after a quick start, they were done and it was on to Bayside. It was so cool that Cari mentioned she really liked them, because if you know Cari, she hardly mentions liking music at all. :) When this band went on, the mosh pit started going, and Cari started giggling. Cute stuff.

Finally, the reason I even got up yesterday morning, ANBERLIN took the stage!!! They tore up the stage with all five members going crazy. Stephen Christian was all over the place; even in the crowd. People practically idolized him as he stuck out his hand to grasp the crowd members' hands.

They played nearly all their good songs, even my two favorite songs from their new album, "Cities." I couldn't get over how great a night it was with my favorite girl and band. It truly was one of the best nights this year! Sorry you couldn't go, AJ, but we thought of you...at least most of the time! :)

All pictures are from to Purevolume.com.

Visiting Jupiter

2007-03-25T21:48:00.000-04:00

My family and I went down to Jupiter, Florida today to visit our cousins Rachel and Jason and their son, Austin. I think I can speak for everyone when I say we had the best time down there. In our family, we try to see a variety of wild life on our trips and every bigger trip we've taken as a family (Monterey Bay minus Eli, St. Augustine, the Brevard Zoo, and now Jupiter), we've seen some interesting animals.

After playing six hours (?) of a video game with Jason and the girls giggling all night, us adults joined the baby boys in sleep. We ate a hardy breakfast at Too Jays (thanks again, Jason!), and it was on to the sea turtle awareness/rehab center. Before entering there, we six visited the gorgeous dark sands and aqua-colored water that made up their beach. This is where Eli first touched the cool ocean water, and he even joined Austin in playing in the sand.

Post-beach we headed to the center to be awed at the center's kindness to take in these sea strays. There was one in particular that made me hold out hope for these defenseless beauties. His name was Jonah, and his tale is that he was spit out of a fish that was caught by fishermen, all while he was just a hatchling. He came in weighing around an ounce and is currently just under eight pounds. His name is derived from the fact that he was spit out by a "large fish."

I'll not claim to know the first testament very well; a sad fact for someone who loves God so very much. But, as most of us know the story of the Biblical Jonah, he disobeyed the Lord and tried to flee from God's command for him to call against the Ninevites. This was a wicked and unruly people, and yet God cared enough for them to send a servant to proclaim His name. When I think of this challenge for Jonah, it troubles me to think of what I would have done: go to these people and probably be killed, or flee the presence of the Lord, repent another later, and maybe get away to see another day. Honesty clings to me like my skin, so I say I would lean toward the latter answer.

Why am I sticking a Sunday school lesson in the middle of a great sea turtle story? The reason, my friends, is because we all need wake up calls when God is concerned. We can see through every facet of our Creator's work and see His glory, His beauty, and His everlasting mercy to a people who fell and should have been left to perish...but were brought back to life by a Son of the Most High.

If you've known me for long, you know I'll use any excuse to talk about God, and here's yet another reason. Staring down in that shallow pool was my son, being held by his loving mother. I saw more than that picture today. I saw a love that can't be broken, shattered, lost or forgotten. I also saw a turtle who should have been killed so many times but lived to make my family (and countless others) smile. Finally, I saw grace extended to all of us who fear and love our Savior.

It's a terribly pressing thing, this love. When you get a hold of it, you never want to let it go. More powerfully, when He gets a hold of us, He will never let us go.

Eli Flips Over

2007-03-22T18:09:00.000-04:00

This is a picture that makes me so proud of my son. I have a hard time believing he's over four months old, flipping over, and about to eat cereal tonight. Looking at the intent on his eyes brings tears to mine. "I'm going to turn over," he thinks. "I'm going to make my parents so happy." And he does.

Our First Blog Entry!

2007-03-22T16:15:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone, we're the Heltons and we're finally on the blog scene! Thanks to the Rhodens (Jeremy and Catherine) for your blog; we enjoy yours so much that we also wanted to keep our family and friends in the loop as you do. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JEREMY!

We took Eli for his four-month shots today and he did quite well for the pain involved. He's now 18.3 pounds and just over two feet long. We can't believe how big he's gotten in the last few months, and he seems to have somewhat leveled off for the past month. The exciting thing is the milestone we're at: he can have solids (cereal) now! Tonight we hope to take pictures and video of this momentous occasion.

Since this is our first post and I'm rusty with a journal-type forum (long live Live Journal!), we'll end it with some ideas for the future of our blog. I know I'll (Justin) post a lot on theology, our men's group, church, and things of that nature. For Cari, she desires to write about Eli's accomplishments that she sees first (because she's at home with him) and many other random subjects. We're so happy to share our thoughts and memories with whoever wishes to read them.

So long!
Justin and Cari