A Nice Surprise

We finally got hooked to the Internet again. We're so happy that we can check our e-mail, work with our finances, and chat with friends again through Facebook. It's funny how a few days without it can throw us off, even just a little. While the Brighthouse tech was here, he discovered we have free cable through the neighborhood. At first I thought we'd have to pay, but he said it's a bulk package that the Enclave provides. While I'm thrilled to have Fox News and the History Channel back, I'm a little concerned that we'll watch it too often. It's an area I'll have to pray through constantly, I'm sure.

Our home is wonderful, by the way! We realize that renting is sometimes seen as "throwing money away" but when the Lord provides for a certain type of situation, we don't ask questions. Furthermore, we've been blessed with a quiet neighborhood that is close to our friends, church, and my job. I took Eli on a walk the other night while it was cool, and we looked at Christmas lights and toads. It was a time that I took in greatly with my son.

Our families are still about the same distance from us, which is how it used to be in the old apartment. Cari is currently looking at colors to paint the walls, but we're still not sure if we're going to paint at all. I guess we have time to think it through.

There's really not a lot to say other than we're honored and thankful to the families who helped our move be as simple and stress-free as one could hope. To our family, we're grateful for the two years you allowed us to grow in your home. Without that time...well, who knows what would have become of our walks with Christ and for our family. We certainly would have been lesser people without you.

An Amazing Year, So Far...

It's been an amazing year, so far. I began the year so confused on where I was going concerning my job. For so long I didn't know what I wanted to do; I was mostly content making what I was for a job, not thinking about making more money or working in a different position at Publix. I kept thinking, "God will make it obvious." Thankfully, through my wife's awesome ability to motivate me for greater things, I jumped into the Grocery Team Leader position. It was such a quick transition, too, considering one week I decided to go for it, and the next I was being congratulated by my upcoming manager. My career started to develop, but what was to come was a major jolt of reality.

As a GTL, I found myself exhausted always. I never slept well enough, and my eyes burned while straining to see my alarm tell me the time. It was always dark when I woke up, either to work in the morning or for an overnight. When I went to sleep, it was always day. My health depleated horribly and I slowly lost the few pounds I had gained through working easier shifts in the dairy department. My relationship with Cari was jeopardized to the brink of no communication short of the casual hello-goodbye. I loved her through it all, prayed fervently, and fell asleep with tears in my eyes. Could this be the blessing that I had faithfully asked for? Was I taking care of my family the way the Lord would have me? I felt the answers were loud "no"s.

Being one of the greatest retail companies in North America, Publix bought several dozens of Albertsons, a failing chain in spite of having many stores. Because of this financial decision, and obviously because of God's faithful hands moving through men, I was offered a promotion as an Assistant Grocery Manager.

At this time I was in school, driving to campus four days a week after school and on a day off. I barely saw my family, trying to juggle reading through 38 books in the semester for four literature classes. I didn't open the Bible ever during this fall semester, and sadly, it was more a Steinbeck summer than it was a Biblical one. My priorities weren't where they needed to be, and God knew it. I highly believe He wrenched my attention back to Him through the atrocious summer and fall hours in my GTL position. As hard as it is to type the truth, I'm glad He put me at the Baldwin store to endure the trials there. I had to fight against a rigerous manager whom I respect greatly, other managers who shouldn't be in charge of my fellow co-workers, and I even cut my finger badly the first week because of how tired/quickly I had to work to save time.

Now that I'm in my position as a manager, I've learned a lot. Other than how to train and authorize further training; how to manage a larger crew of associates; and the tests of opening and closing a multi-million dollar store, I've learned how to be content every day. I'm content not knowing everything, and I'm even content being ignorant regarding many aspects of my training as a manager. I've worked with countless past-managers and have been regarded as a good choice for being a manager by them. Though I don't boast purposely, it's nice to be seen in a good light by men and women I respect.

With my girl by my side, we're celebrating our third year of marriage. We both forgot, haha. God has blessed us through one more mean: the ability to move into our own place in a peaceful place near, ironically, my first Publix. I thank you, O Lord, for Your countless love and affection.

Future Thoughts

No matter how hard we try, the future doesn't wait for us. It just keeps on coming. For us, Heltons, we're stout believers in the future and what God has in store for us. We try to stay Biblical and not "plan" for too many days into the great wide open, but stay prepared for whatever comes. I'm not saying one can't make plans, per say, but when we try to plan too far ahead it becomes too much for our finite selves to handle.

Anyway, as the future comes, we try to stay realistic and dependable on God's good graces. The next position for me at Publix is Assistant Grocery Manager, and that title's salary is enough for us to move out on our own. We've priced homes (mostly town homes and condos) and we're happy with the "buying market" that is currently before us. Though I've only been in my position for a short while, my company has a lot of opportunity for advancement. This year we've bought over forty Albertsons and they'll be turned into Publixes, needing managers. There's talk in my store about some moving around, and I pray I'll obtain the correct training to be promoted.

It's almost scary that in a few months, God willing, I could be in that boat, sailing with Cari and Eli into the future on our own...finally. I've definitely had days and nights where I felt utterly lost and desperate. Hours and days would go by with such limited sleep as to keep me sober. School has been so tough this semester with four literature classes, all to tack on to the intense work schedule. I've complained for months now about not seeing friends and family alike, and I've figured out ways to get around certain school chores to reverse that. If I did get this promotion, I might have to set school aside altogether and graduate late.

ATTENTION YOUNG ADULTS

While you can, go to school and get as much done before having children and a family. If not, you may find yourself struggling through life away from the ones you miss so much. This is not a large "maybe" but an even larger, "probably." This has been a public announcement.

Okay, I'm done giving advice. Please pray for my family in this special way that God will bring us through these more strenuous times. We cannot wait to be a family again. I can't wait to fully take care of my family again. Thanks for your prayers!

A Great Struggle

Last night in our community group we discussed the Sermon on the Mount. The portion was retaliation and sharing/giving to those in need. Some felt we should always give to those who need without much thought; I felt we've been given logic and reasoning that should work with the Spirit's desire for our giving.

Further along in the conversation became an area of interest (not that the entire talk wasn't, but this was more so) that has kept me thinking all night; it has even bothered me to some extent. In the area of giving, what are we giving anyway? Something that's not ours, is the likeliest answer. God provides...He gives to us what we have. By no works of our own do we own our belongings. I don't pay for things with money only I've made; I've made it through the blessings of God. May I spend my money the way I want? Sure, but will I continually be blessed with it if I abuse it? Probably not. This facet to the conversation I am okay with. It's when the word "deserve" gets used and its applications.

Do I deserve a loving and submissive wife? I'd like to think so, but why? Where is it said that I do deserve happiness on that scale? So this is my dilemma. The majority stated that we as human beings only deserve death. I understand this in terms of those outside of Christ's grace. But what about Christians who are God's people...do we not deserve love and affection from those who proclaim such love towards us? Even when we're wrapped in God's forgiving arms, do we not then deserve wives who don't commit adultery or for Christian friends not to gossip about them? The countless ways I think we deserve happiness have now been thrown to the jury of my peers, so let me know what you think.

Kind of Middle-Stuck

Reading Steinbeck is like a baby being conceived. Inside me is a new creature, something new and beautiful. This creation isn't really so, but the feeling is still there. I feel as though there's a presence that is hazy-yet-simple. Sometimes we all need the haze...the feeling that you can't quite figure out life or your surroundings, and it's okay. So what am I getting at? I guess I just love the titles of Sweet Thursday.

As of late I've not spoken to either parent. Sometimes I feel myself slipping into anger towards them and then I have to slip right back out of it as if I'm a madman escaping reality. There's a non-descriptive quality to such slipping. It happens-it's gone. Is there sin in such quick non-reasoning?

I don't want to talk to my parents. What would that really accomplish? I could tell them how I've never felt such exclusion from one family and such inclusion from another. When I fall apart, my marriage family surrounds me without a thought for their own time or doings. My old one would have needed to schedule me into their feelings. I have to be careful not to slip into temptation and sin against the thought of my parents. They brought me up the way (notice there's no "only way" or "best way" typed) they knew how. Mom and dad worked-kids in school, daycare, grandparents', etc-weekends that should have been for bonding were escape pods from the weekly ho-hum. How did we mess it up so well?

I guess I think about these familial things more than I consciously realized. I don't mean to think about them. I'm scared of them. I find myself ashamed of my last name.

So my grandparents appear to be in the hospital, but I'm not sure why. Confused A called and asked that I'd call my mother. I don't have a name for her yet. It should be just as clever. Anyway, I won't call. I'm tired of calling. It's not that it's a bore or anything; honestly, it's opposite of a bore because there's so much going on in my mom's head that I'd never yawn at trying to figure it out. I just don't want to keep putting myself out there and get disappointed. A thought occurred to me the other day: might God want me to keep trying for the sake and soul of my mom/to show her love can exist between two people who have a bitter taste for one another? I wish I knew. Maybe I should pray that I knew. Wishing is for fools.

I wonder what's become of Confused A. Where is he living and what passes his time? Does he pick up his dilapidated Bible with old church bulletins and attempt to read? Does the beach call his name more frequently? Is Jezebel there or has she left his disappointed self? How great is the shame of his sin or is he aware of its truest consequences? Will he realize Eli's future depended on at least one true Helton, and when he grows up, the only Heltons he'll be able to trust are his own parents who probably don't want the name anyway?

What to Right Here?

It would appear that I didn't know how to spell. Well, I do. Let me explain.

My parents have become statistics in the area of marriage failure. They have never shown a lot of love towards one another-at least publicly-and divorce was never too hard to swallow. Now they're working towards the big D, even though we boys don't see an actual movement in that area except for a split in living together. My father got an apartment...at the age of 57. My mom's keeping the house. That house is an empty tomb.

So how is this situation to be righted? Except for God helping them reconcile, my parents are lost. *Sigh* What repercussions will this have for everyone around them? I can already tell Tim is troubled because he's caught in the middle. Matt is farther away and shows a heavy passivity. I'm somewhere in the middle: neither harmed externally nor escaping the separation's full effects. Sometimes when I'm driving to work at three in the morning, I find myself trapped, thinking of their marriage. My sleep is disrupted often as I ponder over my position in it all. Who knew I'd be so affected over my parents fulfilling what I always knew they'd do.

Eli won't know his grandparents well from here on out. I won't allow it. Sometime in the future, if he desires to know them or about them, Cari and I will then discuss with him how to further the options. Until then, I'm too worn out from this mess to continue any relations from my family to them.

Vacation, JCKR, and Testing

This is my vacation week and a transition week at the same time. I finally have an entire week's time-off without moving or trying to figure out a plan of what to do. Not that those types of vacations aren't productive; I just enjoy lazier days sometimes. I can't believe I wrote that.

Jeremy, Catherine, Karis, and Reese are here this week (the latter three will stay an extra week, yey). Today Kim and her boys are coming down, too, so this week should be fun.

Tomorrow I have a couple of two-hour tests to take for my promotion-placement. If I do well on these tests I'll be able to move up quicker at Publix. Though the next stage of going through the GTL position will be rough and stressful, it's something I have to do for a certain time period. I have to be there by eight and get up at six tomorrow morning...on my vacation...bleh. At least I can take them without having to work afterwards. Let's pray they go well.