A Great Struggle

Last night in our community group we discussed the Sermon on the Mount. The portion was retaliation and sharing/giving to those in need. Some felt we should always give to those who need without much thought; I felt we've been given logic and reasoning that should work with the Spirit's desire for our giving.

Further along in the conversation became an area of interest (not that the entire talk wasn't, but this was more so) that has kept me thinking all night; it has even bothered me to some extent. In the area of giving, what are we giving anyway? Something that's not ours, is the likeliest answer. God provides...He gives to us what we have. By no works of our own do we own our belongings. I don't pay for things with money only I've made; I've made it through the blessings of God. May I spend my money the way I want? Sure, but will I continually be blessed with it if I abuse it? Probably not. This facet to the conversation I am okay with. It's when the word "deserve" gets used and its applications.

Do I deserve a loving and submissive wife? I'd like to think so, but why? Where is it said that I do deserve happiness on that scale? So this is my dilemma. The majority stated that we as human beings only deserve death. I understand this in terms of those outside of Christ's grace. But what about Christians who are God's people...do we not deserve love and affection from those who proclaim such love towards us? Even when we're wrapped in God's forgiving arms, do we not then deserve wives who don't commit adultery or for Christian friends not to gossip about them? The countless ways I think we deserve happiness have now been thrown to the jury of my peers, so let me know what you think.

Kind of Middle-Stuck

Reading Steinbeck is like a baby being conceived. Inside me is a new creature, something new and beautiful. This creation isn't really so, but the feeling is still there. I feel as though there's a presence that is hazy-yet-simple. Sometimes we all need the haze...the feeling that you can't quite figure out life or your surroundings, and it's okay. So what am I getting at? I guess I just love the titles of Sweet Thursday.

As of late I've not spoken to either parent. Sometimes I feel myself slipping into anger towards them and then I have to slip right back out of it as if I'm a madman escaping reality. There's a non-descriptive quality to such slipping. It happens-it's gone. Is there sin in such quick non-reasoning?

I don't want to talk to my parents. What would that really accomplish? I could tell them how I've never felt such exclusion from one family and such inclusion from another. When I fall apart, my marriage family surrounds me without a thought for their own time or doings. My old one would have needed to schedule me into their feelings. I have to be careful not to slip into temptation and sin against the thought of my parents. They brought me up the way (notice there's no "only way" or "best way" typed) they knew how. Mom and dad worked-kids in school, daycare, grandparents', etc-weekends that should have been for bonding were escape pods from the weekly ho-hum. How did we mess it up so well?

I guess I think about these familial things more than I consciously realized. I don't mean to think about them. I'm scared of them. I find myself ashamed of my last name.

So my grandparents appear to be in the hospital, but I'm not sure why. Confused A called and asked that I'd call my mother. I don't have a name for her yet. It should be just as clever. Anyway, I won't call. I'm tired of calling. It's not that it's a bore or anything; honestly, it's opposite of a bore because there's so much going on in my mom's head that I'd never yawn at trying to figure it out. I just don't want to keep putting myself out there and get disappointed. A thought occurred to me the other day: might God want me to keep trying for the sake and soul of my mom/to show her love can exist between two people who have a bitter taste for one another? I wish I knew. Maybe I should pray that I knew. Wishing is for fools.

I wonder what's become of Confused A. Where is he living and what passes his time? Does he pick up his dilapidated Bible with old church bulletins and attempt to read? Does the beach call his name more frequently? Is Jezebel there or has she left his disappointed self? How great is the shame of his sin or is he aware of its truest consequences? Will he realize Eli's future depended on at least one true Helton, and when he grows up, the only Heltons he'll be able to trust are his own parents who probably don't want the name anyway?

What to Right Here?

It would appear that I didn't know how to spell. Well, I do. Let me explain.

My parents have become statistics in the area of marriage failure. They have never shown a lot of love towards one another-at least publicly-and divorce was never too hard to swallow. Now they're working towards the big D, even though we boys don't see an actual movement in that area except for a split in living together. My father got an apartment...at the age of 57. My mom's keeping the house. That house is an empty tomb.

So how is this situation to be righted? Except for God helping them reconcile, my parents are lost. *Sigh* What repercussions will this have for everyone around them? I can already tell Tim is troubled because he's caught in the middle. Matt is farther away and shows a heavy passivity. I'm somewhere in the middle: neither harmed externally nor escaping the separation's full effects. Sometimes when I'm driving to work at three in the morning, I find myself trapped, thinking of their marriage. My sleep is disrupted often as I ponder over my position in it all. Who knew I'd be so affected over my parents fulfilling what I always knew they'd do.

Eli won't know his grandparents well from here on out. I won't allow it. Sometime in the future, if he desires to know them or about them, Cari and I will then discuss with him how to further the options. Until then, I'm too worn out from this mess to continue any relations from my family to them.

Vacation, JCKR, and Testing

This is my vacation week and a transition week at the same time. I finally have an entire week's time-off without moving or trying to figure out a plan of what to do. Not that those types of vacations aren't productive; I just enjoy lazier days sometimes. I can't believe I wrote that.

Jeremy, Catherine, Karis, and Reese are here this week (the latter three will stay an extra week, yey). Today Kim and her boys are coming down, too, so this week should be fun.

Tomorrow I have a couple of two-hour tests to take for my promotion-placement. If I do well on these tests I'll be able to move up quicker at Publix. Though the next stage of going through the GTL position will be rough and stressful, it's something I have to do for a certain time period. I have to be there by eight and get up at six tomorrow morning...on my vacation...bleh. At least I can take them without having to work afterwards. Let's pray they go well.

A Renewal Of Life

I don't write on here often because I have another journal that takes up time. So when I do get to write in this forum I return to previous entries and remember what I wrote. I noticed that I've yet to praise God blog-style for my father's apparent recovery; my dad's situation was somewhat defined in an earlier post.

In a nutshell, my dad had surgery in early 2005 that ended up in an infection. From that, he took medication that became addicting, altering his chemical balance. From that situation, Dad Helton struggled for two.five years with anxiety-depression. While the anxiety left him depressed, he became anxious of becoming depressed. The way he described it was it being in a circular nightmare. One position always brought on the other.

Okay, so the nutshell was larger than I first intended. Because of state-of-the-art medicine and, more importantly, a wealth of prayers, my father came through the fight victoriously. As he mentioned, though, it's only over indefinitely, not permanently. For some reason, this "disease" tore him down and beat him up for so long, and the end may only be as the Lord allows. Since it's a newer "recognized" problem with hundreds of thousands of Americans, the research is still in its infant stages.

I want to openly recognized God's provision for my dad. I know during this struggle I had to review my sight of the Divine. There were a lot of times I questioned the Lord's timing and why His healing hands held back...but did they hold back the entire time? I don't know. It's easy to see healing bones or lacerations, but the mind's diseases are tougher to notice. I love my God but not for saving my father's mental stability. I love Him for being unwavering. He loved my dad enough to save him through his pain in a timely manner fitting for the dilemma. Hopefully in the two-plus years that he fought, my dad saw God's mercy to hold back the pain to its worst level and not get worse. He held my father's sanity to a position to not crumble. Finally, through these trying times, my heavenly Father never wavered and failed in His promises to stand by us. For that, I love my God.

Another Trip to the Zoo

This is somewhat late, but Sunday we went to the Brevard County Zoo again. We love the way Eli has grown since the last time we went there, and I was particularly excited to see his reactions to the animals being nearly-if not-a year older. Cari noticed his love for the birds. We went into the aviary-type portion where birds freely flew around and on the guests. Cari would put out her arm for these two birds to perch on and Eli began mimicking her. So cute.

My favorite part-other than feeding a giraffe-was seeing the rhinoceros for the first time there. It was farther away than I wished to see it, but at least I viewed its enormous self.

Here are some pictures of our trip. 'Nuff said.

Vows and Our Christian Words

Okay, this has been on my mind for some time now: What ever happened to we, as Christians, keeping our words? Why is it that we are exactly like the world when it comes to what we say? For instance, I have always been good at keeping my word on things, but it's because it's polite. If I say I'm going to be somewhere at a certain time, but something occurs to hinder my promise, I will call or text and let the person I'm meeting know of the change of plans. I don't just not call or make them call me.

Another thing that is annoying is how we make plans and break them as easily as if we were promising our dog we'd take them for a walk. Aren't we more civilized than dogs? I don't mean to be mean or bitter, but it gets old when a person is known for breaking their word. A lot of this situation has to do with what Christ talked about concerning vows. I'm sure you're aware of the passage, but I'll throw it on here just in case: "Again, you have heard that the ancients were told, 'You shall not make false vows, but shall fulfill your vows to the Lord'" (Matthew 5:33). Now, Christ didn't end the idea here, but in his beautiful fashion, he completed the thought: "But I say to you, make no oath at all, either by heaven...earth...Jerusalem...head...But let your statement be, 'Yes, yes' or 'No, no'; anything beyond these is of evil" (Matthew 34-37). One can easily see that Christ's purpose is that our words-as Christian children-should be worthy of either yes or no. No other word is necessary.

How do I fulfill the thought process? When we brothers and sisters in Christ make a vow or promise or mere plans to do something, let's do it, eh? I know I have to really think things out before I make plans. For instance, last Thursday Adam wanted to get together after school and I said yes. Well, turns out I had to get together with my new advisor, yet I already made the plan with Adam. Instead of breaking the plan, I went ahead and pushed the appointment back a week. It worked out and I had an amazing prayer session with my brother. Where I'm the worst about keeping my word is with my family. So now I have to watch how I promise things to Eli (like taking walks-bad daddy).

In the end, we're all living lives and we're all busy. On top of that, "things happen." Emergencies and illnesses and children "happen." But we're not only hurting our friendships when we constantly break our words; we're ruining the true image of Christ that we're supposed to be reflecting to the world. Let's not be hypocrites.