Another Birthday Says Goodnight, Dear Friend

The day I was born was January 26th, 1981, at 5:06 p.m. Ten months or so before that I was conceived and God's master plan begun for one more human being in the countless magnitude he has sown together in the womb. It's spectacular, isn't it? He who is perfect has put us together in a way that only could be done by the Divine.

My son made me bookmarks for my birthday and my wife bought me a cheesecake sampler...yummmmmmmy in me tummy is all I can say. That's right: me tummy. I get childish when it comes to cheesecake.

This year was about ten times better than last year's official birthday because last year was the start of my silence to my mom. I've been feeling overwhelmed, again. Why can't I just have two normal parents who love one another like they're supposed to? Why can't my dad be healed from his atrocious malady? It's not...fair? Is sin really ever fair? When did I grow up to know curses aren't fictional like I thought when I was smaller and less significant? Is it fair to say I've grown at all in my maturity to comprehend the vastness that is blank void? Such blank voids are when the people around us whom we love till it hurts somehow get hurt, themselves, and we can do NOTHING to stop the pain.

Okay, let's clear the air. This year was better than last year's. I didn't see my friends and their smirks surprising me for my coolest-surprise party ever, but I did get to see them at Cari's dinner party, and that's fine with me. This year was better for it was simple. I bought myself a book and all the reliable people around me sent cards, cash, checks, love, warm words, and the typical "old man" comments. Did I mention the bookmarks? Totally radical. My son is a genius and it's probably thanks to Kamryn's (spelling, Kristi?) prayer for Eli to be strong and wise. I love the fact that Carissa helped Eli color all over paper and made a trinity of marks for my books. They're the best gifts I can be given because they're laced with love and determination. He's going to be great...strong...wise.

School is much better. I dare say I wasn't strong enough to tackle what I did to myself and schedule seven classes for the Spring semester. I do have to say that the winter's winding down is disheartening, though. I know it's cold now (at this very moment it's dropping to the supposed forties), but come on, where's the weather that makes a simple 4 a.m. trip to the bathroom hurt? Maybe we should move to South Carolina. I think there are great things in S.C. (not the win for Huckabee, but hey, at least McCain did well). Isn't that the state with the palm tree and crescent moon?

Speaking of politics, I wish I knew what to do. I'm full of wishes that aren't to be granted by copper or golden teapots found in sand. I want Huckabee to win it all: he's talented enough to find answers that I think are out there concerning "the war." He loves the Lord willingly and openly and I feel strongly that our post-modern society is starving from a leader like him. That to say, I'm not thinking preaching from the White House is a novel idea, but you get my drift. I think-I know-John McCain is my next best vote. He can win Florida, with or without me tearing down Romney signs.

Drowning in School

I can't believe it but I'm completely swamped and drowning in school right now! I knew this semester would be tough with six courses (had to drop English Novel because-well, the title should be enough of an explanation), but this is ridiculous. I shouldn't be on here at all. I should be reading about Elizabethan history or attempting my MS Office classes. I feel so overwhelmed and nearly sick. I hate this feeling. It's a claustrophobic feeling that I got when I was going in for my second appendectomy. The doctors had to give me something for my anxiety. Bleh, this is troubling. Why did I take this much school in one semester? Oh yeah: to get ahead; to better myself; to get my family out of someone else's house and into our own.

I told Cari tonight that we should go to high schools and give speeches about how to not mess up future plans because there wasn't a past plan. First, don't plan on having a baby without at least a Bachelor's Degree. Second, buy a mini-van or reliable SUV early and have it paid off by the time your first child's born. Third, have money in the bank for a house down payment, at least twenty percent of the house's worth. Low interest rates then.

Instead of this great master plan we're doing the best with what we've got. Gotta love the ironies in life. Gotta love God's patience with us. I guess I'll go read about Queen Elizabeth or at least read John Smith's diary entries for some lit class whose title I can't recall at this hour.

Happy Holidays?

The holidays are supposed to be happy, right? For our poor friends, the Landons, they've run across more bad luck than usual. Jeff found out that his pastoral position isn't needed any longer at Cross Pointe. Even the Children's Ministry Director is being let go. To say I'm disgusted is merely a side note, for this reeks of trouble. How is a church to go on without having a director for the children? These kids count on volunteers and Ileana to learn about Jesus in a safe and comfortable environment. Now I don't know what they plan on doing without her.

The more I grow up, the more I understand these confusing moments in time that don't make sense. True, by giving up the two positions of leadership they'll save a lot of money. But what about the dedication they've shown? A month's severance? It doesn't seem right.

Madison, Jeff's daughter, came down with a virus the other night and hasn't been eating or drinking. The sweet girl looked so tired and out of it Sunday night when we and the Wilsons visited the Landons. We pray Eli doesn't catch the same virus but as it's been a couple of days, we're pretty sure he's in the clear. Madison should be released from the hospital today, said Jeff, but it's still in the air. At least they still have their health insurance. And at least we continued our "Charlie Brown Christmas" tradition with friends.

I guess I'm arguably tired of these types of anguish. Lately I've become bitter against the world for its atrocities it keeps pumping out. This morning the world found out Britney Spears' sister is pregnant...at 16, I think is what they reported...16! Good job, older sister: show her how it can be to be washed out and famous at the same time.

We have such a task in this world-this one shot in history-to teach our children the best ways to do things and to also apply those ways to our own lives. We have to do what we ask of them. Cari mentioned that a way we could better ourselves is to read Eli the Bible while giving him his night milk. What a wonderful idea!, I thought. Then we'll be getting in our own readings. It breaks my heart to think he won't like to read when he's older, but as my father-in-law remarked, he'll probably like/love it if I show him that I do. This isn't to say that reading is the only thing I'll show him, but it should be the most important "hobby" because it's one of the best ways to comprehend God's character.

All that to say, I've rambled enough. Now we're heading out to have lunch with Adam and Amy and then on to more Christmas shopping. Surprise, surprise!

Too Difficult To Reason

For those who lose loved ones, how do you cope? I know how to get through a funeral of an uncle or great-grandmother, but what about the babies that never breathed outside the womb? I struggled through my two hamsters' deaths, but how do I express the love I've lost for one I never met? I've cried for friends and family, but will my tears ever end this special one?

I feel so selfish for exclaiming my sorrow when there are others who feel the pain innumerable times over about this circumstance. Cari and I have tried dealing with this situation over the past couple of days and we keep coming up with confused looks. Why sometimes God calls a young one home (I don't even want to get into the theological aspects too deeply here) before the time we feel they should have is beyond me. I don't have it in me to answer the tougher questions like these.

I guess the whole reason I'm posting such an awkwardly indirect piece like this is to explain my love for Christ, first. He is good to us in ways we can't comprehend. Sometimes babies aren't strong enough to make it and it's best their lives be stopped then. If my hope is true, these babies will be with the Heavenly Father forever.

To our friends, we love you. We're forever with you and we can't describe our feelings of sadness for you. One day we'll not cry nor feel pain. One day we'll worship at His feet and forget these past lives of pain and heartache. Until then, we pray for continual friendships and love between our families. Again, we love you.

What's With Musicians?

What's with musicians these days? Since when did they become political activists? Come on, Bono, what injustice did you release into the world with your "Sunday, Bloody Sunday?" Pink's new song disgusts me! Why do I know if it? While spending time building a book tower with Eli this morning we were skipping around from "Saved By the Bell" to "Fox News" and to the "music channels" (they barely play music videos these days: another irk). First there's the Pink video, named something to the effect of, "Mr. President." Okay, so now someone with that hair is telling me and millions (billions, really) of people that our president is basically the worst person ever? I'm sick of these adolescents and young adults publicly announcing the "sins" of our President, a man whose position allows him respect and strength. I know if a Democrat is elected next year, I'll gnash my teeth and cry. I'll cry but I'll allow that person (it used to just be "that man" but with Hillary, well...) respect unless they don't deserve it.

Maybe that's where these "rockers" and I differ in our views. They think President Bush can wave his hand and terrorism will be gone and we can all live in a neo-hippie state of peace. Pass the bong, man? Nah, I don't think so. We can drive hybrids that supposedly get awesome gas mileage and ride our bikes. We can carpool and turn off our unused lights. Let's even buy energy saving materials and accessories for our homes. Let's scoff at Gore's hypocrisy and angrily shake our fists towards the private jets that ruin our skies. Let's join hands and then when we let go, sanitize them with hand antibacterial soaps. But let's not for a single moment be rude and send hate messages to the President of the United States.

How hard would it be to be reading to children and hear the Twin Towers were flown into by our own planes? On top of that, the President had to hear it was a terrorist action, something he had good reason to believe had potential in our borders? Let's see ANYONE ELSE do with what he was handed what Bush did that day and the days to come. As the band Live sang shortly after, "Where were you when the world fell apart?", where were our supporters for democracy on that fateful day? Why do we pay attention when some smug teenager sings about the injustices of American politics or some immature 50 year-older who is trying to relive his anti-Vietnam days while sneering through his cigarette? Come on, people! Don't we realize the serious outcomes of spitting in the wind? The world's problems won't be remedied by music videos detailing mass genocide or, as I also saw this morning, Linkin Park's rioters being fought by government police.

I'm sick, sick, sick of Americans fighting Americans in this way. Why is love for mankind only for those without American citizenship? Can we not love each other as we love the stranger? In light of Camus' ideals, this is absurd! This is the truly ludicrous and ridiculous. We give illegal immigrants more justice than the border patrolers and local police officers. We give more money to sports stars and idiots with microphones than the brilliant minds who discovered medicinal remedies to the world's worst epidemics. What about the authors whose writings are more powerful than the largest bullet? "The pen is mightier than the sword," said Edward Bulwer-Lytton. Earlier than he, Euripides said, "The tongue is mightier than the blade." Are we so deaf to think our words don't have consequences?

I guess all my rantings have come from inside my gut where I let these issues grumble. Finally, like the fated cities of Pompeii and Herculaneum, this blog has been exposed to such words of anger and impatience with our American culture. I wish-I pray-that Christ's return is a quick one. Though I love my life, my love (Cari), my beloved (Eli), I'm overly done with the most free nation being so stupid with its freedoms.

Reading Schedule

So lately I've been reading a lot more secular books than Christian-based ones. I feel bad and I wonder if it's the Holy Spirit speaking to me to get back on track. It's like this is the only thing that's been on my mind as of late. I LOVE reading but I dislike feeling guilty for reading Albert Camus or Jean-Paul (Baptiste) Sartre. Isn't all truth from God? Am I not able to still enjoy other reading?

I've come to a conclusion thanks to many good thinkers around me: I'm going to make it a point to read my Bible and theology at least four times a week. I know, I know-I should be reading those sources a lot more than that, but it's a rational and logical start, and I'm all about rationality and logic.

Other than making myself anxious about reading, things have been pretty calm. I've come down with some sort of sore throat/sinus infection combination that's terribly annoying. I can't even sleep in my own bed next to Cari because of my scratchy throat and runny nose. I'm exhausted all of the time and I feel as though I can't concentrate on anything. If you know me at all you know I'm a terrible listener and payer-of-attention, and I'm also the worse in the memory department. Thanks to this illness, I'm worse by far.

Anyway, other than complaining (which is also my specialty) I'll leave you with good wishes for the holidays. Au revoir!

Eli's First Birthday Party

Elias James has a birthday coming a week from today, but we had his friends party last night. It was so much fun and I think the line, "It's (his) party and (he'll) cry if he wants to" might be appropriate for our sweet boy. He was so tired the entire week being dragged around from party store to Target and back to another store with a party theme. Finally yesterday was his day to shine and see all his friends.

The list of people is as follows: my parents and Mimi, the Wilsons, the Hataways, the Corteses, the Landons, the Bergs, Cari's parents, and my brother, Tim. Auntie Nana came later just in time for Bocce Ball, provided by the Rhodens. We had a blast getting to see all our friends and catching up with each family. We're immensely blessed for a major prayer answered with them all. When Cari and I were dating and engaged, we prayed for a group of friends who were close in age and situation (children, married, just-engaged, dating, etc.). We have all of these facets in our friends. Most have children, and the ones without are deeply in love with their spouses, and more importantly, deeply in love with our Christ. We've never been happier to be around such wonderful and gracious friends.

Eli got to play with his buds in the hay we had stacked in the backyard lined with small pumpkins (compliments to Great Aunt Brenda and Great Uncle Bill). They crawled through the soft grass after one another in search of blacker dirt on their pants. We took so many great pictures that hopefully Cari will put on our Picasa site. The birthday boy also got to enjoy his cupcake with orange frosting. Finally, before we attempted to put him down for a nap, Eli opened his awesome gifts from the gang. Elmo is now the "thing" Eli loves the most, especially the Tickle Me Elmo X-treme that my parents got him. Honestly, though, the guitar and spiral toy that the Hataways and Landons (in order respectively) gave him have been hits, as well. Thanks to the Corteses, Eli will look sharp at church or a wedding in his beautiful attire. It's funny to see him try to ride the horse with lights and sounds that Mimi gave him; he thinks it's going to go further than it does, and when it doesn't, he growls as if to say, "Faster! Yah, yah!" Cari and I even got a Chili's gift card from the Wilsons that we intend to use for a date night or two.

We couldn't have asked for a better turn out or party. A few people couldn't show up and they were missed, but overall, everything went so well. Cari really has to be complimented on her skill at throwing fun parties. She first held my surprise birthday party this January, and now another perfect and fun time was had thanks to her. We appreciate, also, all the hard work and dedication from the Rhodens for opening their home to fellow Christians who desire God first in what they do. We couldn't have had the great time we did without their spacious house and backyard. To anyone I missed for helping, thank you. It's sometimes the people in the background that do the most.

In the end, I thank my Lord for gorgeous weather and the best friends and family a guy like me could ask for. We've been blessed so many times over by His ever-giving hands, and He gave us a day to remember forever yesterday. The fun thing is we get to do it all over again next Sunday with more family and Karis being here to eat cake and spend time with Eli. I'm sure there will be another post on that party.