A Nice Surprise

We finally got hooked to the Internet again. We're so happy that we can check our e-mail, work with our finances, and chat with friends again through Facebook. It's funny how a few days without it can throw us off, even just a little. While the Brighthouse tech was here, he discovered we have free cable through the neighborhood. At first I thought we'd have to pay, but he said it's a bulk package that the Enclave provides. While I'm thrilled to have Fox News and the History Channel back, I'm a little concerned that we'll watch it too often. It's an area I'll have to pray through constantly, I'm sure.

Our home is wonderful, by the way! We realize that renting is sometimes seen as "throwing money away" but when the Lord provides for a certain type of situation, we don't ask questions. Furthermore, we've been blessed with a quiet neighborhood that is close to our friends, church, and my job. I took Eli on a walk the other night while it was cool, and we looked at Christmas lights and toads. It was a time that I took in greatly with my son.

Our families are still about the same distance from us, which is how it used to be in the old apartment. Cari is currently looking at colors to paint the walls, but we're still not sure if we're going to paint at all. I guess we have time to think it through.

There's really not a lot to say other than we're honored and thankful to the families who helped our move be as simple and stress-free as one could hope. To our family, we're grateful for the two years you allowed us to grow in your home. Without that time...well, who knows what would have become of our walks with Christ and for our family. We certainly would have been lesser people without you.

An Amazing Year, So Far...

It's been an amazing year, so far. I began the year so confused on where I was going concerning my job. For so long I didn't know what I wanted to do; I was mostly content making what I was for a job, not thinking about making more money or working in a different position at Publix. I kept thinking, "God will make it obvious." Thankfully, through my wife's awesome ability to motivate me for greater things, I jumped into the Grocery Team Leader position. It was such a quick transition, too, considering one week I decided to go for it, and the next I was being congratulated by my upcoming manager. My career started to develop, but what was to come was a major jolt of reality.

As a GTL, I found myself exhausted always. I never slept well enough, and my eyes burned while straining to see my alarm tell me the time. It was always dark when I woke up, either to work in the morning or for an overnight. When I went to sleep, it was always day. My health depleated horribly and I slowly lost the few pounds I had gained through working easier shifts in the dairy department. My relationship with Cari was jeopardized to the brink of no communication short of the casual hello-goodbye. I loved her through it all, prayed fervently, and fell asleep with tears in my eyes. Could this be the blessing that I had faithfully asked for? Was I taking care of my family the way the Lord would have me? I felt the answers were loud "no"s.

Being one of the greatest retail companies in North America, Publix bought several dozens of Albertsons, a failing chain in spite of having many stores. Because of this financial decision, and obviously because of God's faithful hands moving through men, I was offered a promotion as an Assistant Grocery Manager.

At this time I was in school, driving to campus four days a week after school and on a day off. I barely saw my family, trying to juggle reading through 38 books in the semester for four literature classes. I didn't open the Bible ever during this fall semester, and sadly, it was more a Steinbeck summer than it was a Biblical one. My priorities weren't where they needed to be, and God knew it. I highly believe He wrenched my attention back to Him through the atrocious summer and fall hours in my GTL position. As hard as it is to type the truth, I'm glad He put me at the Baldwin store to endure the trials there. I had to fight against a rigerous manager whom I respect greatly, other managers who shouldn't be in charge of my fellow co-workers, and I even cut my finger badly the first week because of how tired/quickly I had to work to save time.

Now that I'm in my position as a manager, I've learned a lot. Other than how to train and authorize further training; how to manage a larger crew of associates; and the tests of opening and closing a multi-million dollar store, I've learned how to be content every day. I'm content not knowing everything, and I'm even content being ignorant regarding many aspects of my training as a manager. I've worked with countless past-managers and have been regarded as a good choice for being a manager by them. Though I don't boast purposely, it's nice to be seen in a good light by men and women I respect.

With my girl by my side, we're celebrating our third year of marriage. We both forgot, haha. God has blessed us through one more mean: the ability to move into our own place in a peaceful place near, ironically, my first Publix. I thank you, O Lord, for Your countless love and affection.

Future Thoughts

No matter how hard we try, the future doesn't wait for us. It just keeps on coming. For us, Heltons, we're stout believers in the future and what God has in store for us. We try to stay Biblical and not "plan" for too many days into the great wide open, but stay prepared for whatever comes. I'm not saying one can't make plans, per say, but when we try to plan too far ahead it becomes too much for our finite selves to handle.

Anyway, as the future comes, we try to stay realistic and dependable on God's good graces. The next position for me at Publix is Assistant Grocery Manager, and that title's salary is enough for us to move out on our own. We've priced homes (mostly town homes and condos) and we're happy with the "buying market" that is currently before us. Though I've only been in my position for a short while, my company has a lot of opportunity for advancement. This year we've bought over forty Albertsons and they'll be turned into Publixes, needing managers. There's talk in my store about some moving around, and I pray I'll obtain the correct training to be promoted.

It's almost scary that in a few months, God willing, I could be in that boat, sailing with Cari and Eli into the future on our own...finally. I've definitely had days and nights where I felt utterly lost and desperate. Hours and days would go by with such limited sleep as to keep me sober. School has been so tough this semester with four literature classes, all to tack on to the intense work schedule. I've complained for months now about not seeing friends and family alike, and I've figured out ways to get around certain school chores to reverse that. If I did get this promotion, I might have to set school aside altogether and graduate late.

ATTENTION YOUNG ADULTS

While you can, go to school and get as much done before having children and a family. If not, you may find yourself struggling through life away from the ones you miss so much. This is not a large "maybe" but an even larger, "probably." This has been a public announcement.

Okay, I'm done giving advice. Please pray for my family in this special way that God will bring us through these more strenuous times. We cannot wait to be a family again. I can't wait to fully take care of my family again. Thanks for your prayers!

A Great Struggle

Last night in our community group we discussed the Sermon on the Mount. The portion was retaliation and sharing/giving to those in need. Some felt we should always give to those who need without much thought; I felt we've been given logic and reasoning that should work with the Spirit's desire for our giving.

Further along in the conversation became an area of interest (not that the entire talk wasn't, but this was more so) that has kept me thinking all night; it has even bothered me to some extent. In the area of giving, what are we giving anyway? Something that's not ours, is the likeliest answer. God provides...He gives to us what we have. By no works of our own do we own our belongings. I don't pay for things with money only I've made; I've made it through the blessings of God. May I spend my money the way I want? Sure, but will I continually be blessed with it if I abuse it? Probably not. This facet to the conversation I am okay with. It's when the word "deserve" gets used and its applications.

Do I deserve a loving and submissive wife? I'd like to think so, but why? Where is it said that I do deserve happiness on that scale? So this is my dilemma. The majority stated that we as human beings only deserve death. I understand this in terms of those outside of Christ's grace. But what about Christians who are God's people...do we not deserve love and affection from those who proclaim such love towards us? Even when we're wrapped in God's forgiving arms, do we not then deserve wives who don't commit adultery or for Christian friends not to gossip about them? The countless ways I think we deserve happiness have now been thrown to the jury of my peers, so let me know what you think.

Kind of Middle-Stuck

Reading Steinbeck is like a baby being conceived. Inside me is a new creature, something new and beautiful. This creation isn't really so, but the feeling is still there. I feel as though there's a presence that is hazy-yet-simple. Sometimes we all need the haze...the feeling that you can't quite figure out life or your surroundings, and it's okay. So what am I getting at? I guess I just love the titles of Sweet Thursday.

As of late I've not spoken to either parent. Sometimes I feel myself slipping into anger towards them and then I have to slip right back out of it as if I'm a madman escaping reality. There's a non-descriptive quality to such slipping. It happens-it's gone. Is there sin in such quick non-reasoning?

I don't want to talk to my parents. What would that really accomplish? I could tell them how I've never felt such exclusion from one family and such inclusion from another. When I fall apart, my marriage family surrounds me without a thought for their own time or doings. My old one would have needed to schedule me into their feelings. I have to be careful not to slip into temptation and sin against the thought of my parents. They brought me up the way (notice there's no "only way" or "best way" typed) they knew how. Mom and dad worked-kids in school, daycare, grandparents', etc-weekends that should have been for bonding were escape pods from the weekly ho-hum. How did we mess it up so well?

I guess I think about these familial things more than I consciously realized. I don't mean to think about them. I'm scared of them. I find myself ashamed of my last name.

So my grandparents appear to be in the hospital, but I'm not sure why. Confused A called and asked that I'd call my mother. I don't have a name for her yet. It should be just as clever. Anyway, I won't call. I'm tired of calling. It's not that it's a bore or anything; honestly, it's opposite of a bore because there's so much going on in my mom's head that I'd never yawn at trying to figure it out. I just don't want to keep putting myself out there and get disappointed. A thought occurred to me the other day: might God want me to keep trying for the sake and soul of my mom/to show her love can exist between two people who have a bitter taste for one another? I wish I knew. Maybe I should pray that I knew. Wishing is for fools.

I wonder what's become of Confused A. Where is he living and what passes his time? Does he pick up his dilapidated Bible with old church bulletins and attempt to read? Does the beach call his name more frequently? Is Jezebel there or has she left his disappointed self? How great is the shame of his sin or is he aware of its truest consequences? Will he realize Eli's future depended on at least one true Helton, and when he grows up, the only Heltons he'll be able to trust are his own parents who probably don't want the name anyway?

What to Right Here?

It would appear that I didn't know how to spell. Well, I do. Let me explain.

My parents have become statistics in the area of marriage failure. They have never shown a lot of love towards one another-at least publicly-and divorce was never too hard to swallow. Now they're working towards the big D, even though we boys don't see an actual movement in that area except for a split in living together. My father got an apartment...at the age of 57. My mom's keeping the house. That house is an empty tomb.

So how is this situation to be righted? Except for God helping them reconcile, my parents are lost. *Sigh* What repercussions will this have for everyone around them? I can already tell Tim is troubled because he's caught in the middle. Matt is farther away and shows a heavy passivity. I'm somewhere in the middle: neither harmed externally nor escaping the separation's full effects. Sometimes when I'm driving to work at three in the morning, I find myself trapped, thinking of their marriage. My sleep is disrupted often as I ponder over my position in it all. Who knew I'd be so affected over my parents fulfilling what I always knew they'd do.

Eli won't know his grandparents well from here on out. I won't allow it. Sometime in the future, if he desires to know them or about them, Cari and I will then discuss with him how to further the options. Until then, I'm too worn out from this mess to continue any relations from my family to them.

Vacation, JCKR, and Testing

This is my vacation week and a transition week at the same time. I finally have an entire week's time-off without moving or trying to figure out a plan of what to do. Not that those types of vacations aren't productive; I just enjoy lazier days sometimes. I can't believe I wrote that.

Jeremy, Catherine, Karis, and Reese are here this week (the latter three will stay an extra week, yey). Today Kim and her boys are coming down, too, so this week should be fun.

Tomorrow I have a couple of two-hour tests to take for my promotion-placement. If I do well on these tests I'll be able to move up quicker at Publix. Though the next stage of going through the GTL position will be rough and stressful, it's something I have to do for a certain time period. I have to be there by eight and get up at six tomorrow morning...on my vacation...bleh. At least I can take them without having to work afterwards. Let's pray they go well.

A Renewal Of Life

I don't write on here often because I have another journal that takes up time. So when I do get to write in this forum I return to previous entries and remember what I wrote. I noticed that I've yet to praise God blog-style for my father's apparent recovery; my dad's situation was somewhat defined in an earlier post.

In a nutshell, my dad had surgery in early 2005 that ended up in an infection. From that, he took medication that became addicting, altering his chemical balance. From that situation, Dad Helton struggled for two.five years with anxiety-depression. While the anxiety left him depressed, he became anxious of becoming depressed. The way he described it was it being in a circular nightmare. One position always brought on the other.

Okay, so the nutshell was larger than I first intended. Because of state-of-the-art medicine and, more importantly, a wealth of prayers, my father came through the fight victoriously. As he mentioned, though, it's only over indefinitely, not permanently. For some reason, this "disease" tore him down and beat him up for so long, and the end may only be as the Lord allows. Since it's a newer "recognized" problem with hundreds of thousands of Americans, the research is still in its infant stages.

I want to openly recognized God's provision for my dad. I know during this struggle I had to review my sight of the Divine. There were a lot of times I questioned the Lord's timing and why His healing hands held back...but did they hold back the entire time? I don't know. It's easy to see healing bones or lacerations, but the mind's diseases are tougher to notice. I love my God but not for saving my father's mental stability. I love Him for being unwavering. He loved my dad enough to save him through his pain in a timely manner fitting for the dilemma. Hopefully in the two-plus years that he fought, my dad saw God's mercy to hold back the pain to its worst level and not get worse. He held my father's sanity to a position to not crumble. Finally, through these trying times, my heavenly Father never wavered and failed in His promises to stand by us. For that, I love my God.

Another Trip to the Zoo

This is somewhat late, but Sunday we went to the Brevard County Zoo again. We love the way Eli has grown since the last time we went there, and I was particularly excited to see his reactions to the animals being nearly-if not-a year older. Cari noticed his love for the birds. We went into the aviary-type portion where birds freely flew around and on the guests. Cari would put out her arm for these two birds to perch on and Eli began mimicking her. So cute.

My favorite part-other than feeding a giraffe-was seeing the rhinoceros for the first time there. It was farther away than I wished to see it, but at least I viewed its enormous self.

Here are some pictures of our trip. 'Nuff said.

Vows and Our Christian Words

Okay, this has been on my mind for some time now: What ever happened to we, as Christians, keeping our words? Why is it that we are exactly like the world when it comes to what we say? For instance, I have always been good at keeping my word on things, but it's because it's polite. If I say I'm going to be somewhere at a certain time, but something occurs to hinder my promise, I will call or text and let the person I'm meeting know of the change of plans. I don't just not call or make them call me.

Another thing that is annoying is how we make plans and break them as easily as if we were promising our dog we'd take them for a walk. Aren't we more civilized than dogs? I don't mean to be mean or bitter, but it gets old when a person is known for breaking their word. A lot of this situation has to do with what Christ talked about concerning vows. I'm sure you're aware of the passage, but I'll throw it on here just in case: "Again, you have heard that the ancients were told, 'You shall not make false vows, but shall fulfill your vows to the Lord'" (Matthew 5:33). Now, Christ didn't end the idea here, but in his beautiful fashion, he completed the thought: "But I say to you, make no oath at all, either by heaven...earth...Jerusalem...head...But let your statement be, 'Yes, yes' or 'No, no'; anything beyond these is of evil" (Matthew 34-37). One can easily see that Christ's purpose is that our words-as Christian children-should be worthy of either yes or no. No other word is necessary.

How do I fulfill the thought process? When we brothers and sisters in Christ make a vow or promise or mere plans to do something, let's do it, eh? I know I have to really think things out before I make plans. For instance, last Thursday Adam wanted to get together after school and I said yes. Well, turns out I had to get together with my new advisor, yet I already made the plan with Adam. Instead of breaking the plan, I went ahead and pushed the appointment back a week. It worked out and I had an amazing prayer session with my brother. Where I'm the worst about keeping my word is with my family. So now I have to watch how I promise things to Eli (like taking walks-bad daddy).

In the end, we're all living lives and we're all busy. On top of that, "things happen." Emergencies and illnesses and children "happen." But we're not only hurting our friendships when we constantly break our words; we're ruining the true image of Christ that we're supposed to be reflecting to the world. Let's not be hypocrites.

Paul's Letter to Ephesus

I have been making strides-bounds, really-in reading my Bible more often. Four lit. classes have tackled my time and roughed me up enough to have very little energy to read anything but scholastics. So, I have enjoyed reading through Ephesians for the dozenth time. The wonderful and awe-inspiring thing about the Word is its LIFE. It is always moving, lighting in spots I hadn't noticed before.

Chapter four, verse seven states: "But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ's gift." Further, ending the chapter, Paul writes, "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you" (31-32). Wow. First we're given gifts-unique gifts-and we don't all enjoy or use the same ones. Where I'm not as patient, a brother or sister is over-patient. When I achieve giving well-thought-out advice to another, someone else might struggle there. My mother-in-law is an awesome listener. She never makes you feel as if you're boring her. I can tell her how a clown of a customer said so-in-so and she'll keep on listening. Eventually when I shut up, she interjects a reasonable and better angle as to what they might have meant. I love my mom-in-law for that, but honestly, I just love her for using her gifts so well. Christ must be proud.

When we go into the world, are we being like the world, or are we merely passing through? Do we let others pull us down to levels that are way lower than we should ever sink? I will wake up tomorrow and go to work at a job I don't necessarily care for, but I know I'm doing what I can to care for my family. It's not much, but I know my tests of patience and endurance rest there. After reading these passages, I think I'll have a better outlook on those clown customers. They're just people who need Christ the way I do. We children of God have gifts that are begging to be expressed. We also have an obligation to be tenderhearted to the lost. We mustn't hold back our forgiveness for pride's sake. If we're to claim Jesus the Christ as our Savior-Savior from the darkest blackness that Hell can provide-then we have to forgive. He forgave us our sins-our absolute worst qualities in our worst garments of poverty-and He gave us life again. We can at least follow His lead by forgiving others of simple mistakes.

Father, Faith, Fasting

My dad's still not well. It's been two.five years now and he's worse than I've ever seen him. His depression has seeped into every crevasse of his life. The anxiety has continued to push him into places he wishes not to go. My brothers and I are extremely alert to his fluctuating moods; generally they're bleak. So that's my father.

My faith is ever stable and never wavering, but I'm still sad. Of course I'm sad. My father-the best man in my wedding-has a "disease" that can't be cured by simple solutions. The Lord our Father has worked His will throughout this entire situation, yet we weak men don't see the outcome for His glory. It's hard to see anything optimistic or good, but our faith stays tough.

I think I'm going to fast. My father-in-law, my best male friend, recommended fasting as a reasonable and New Testament way to approach what's ailing my father. I need the help of those around me to accomplish such feats. I've fasted before, but it was for my personal relationship with God. Any ideas on how to humble myself enough to be noticed? Ugh...I feel so dirty in these rags.

What Is It?

What is it about Faulkner that makes me cry?
What's in the words, the lack of sentences, the bulge of repetition?
Who bore such a man to create a different kind of southern style?

When did Poe realize he was beyond help?
How did he have enough courage to enter the House?
What if the pendulum swung twice more?

Dearest Camus, what's in Algiers that spurs you on?
My friend, Al-bear, did the plague not spread further than the walls?
Did the taunting of the man deserve the many shots fired?

Hated Ellis, I hate you.
Why did your fingers dare ruin my innocence?
How dare you ruin the only thing I had left.

Brother James, how your epistle spares me much heartache.
Moses, I thank thee for the beginning.
My Lord, Christ, blessed is Your revelation.

I'm No Determinist, But What of Eli's Existence?

Thanks to Mom Rhoden's awesome call to watch our son as our primary caregiver, Cari and I got out last night to spend some time together without school or work. A conversation came up that we usually dance around and it was Eli's life. We cannot express-and I doubt we'd ever be able to speak such words-how much we love our son. We just can't. We do wonder what our lives would be like without him, though. Would I be at a different job or would Cari? Where would we be living? What friends would we be close to without a child to play with theirs? I guess it's anyone's guess but we like to play "What if?" from time to time.

I love these types of discussions because they're so rare, and I love talking with my wife for she's so brilliant in keeping the fire burning. We found ourselves wondering if Eli's existence could have been avoided...or if God's providence that he be born by the exact means undergone overrode our own plans. Now, I'm not to be misunderstood and say human beings-created sinners that we are-ever override God's plans. The Lord has seen as far forward as time exists and as far back as the first tick of the proverbial clock. He transcends time in that He is Lord of that creation as well as His others. I struggle with how I believe in the freedom of the will/choice and how the Almighty views our wills in regard to time. Does He look down the corridor of time and see the Hitlers from the Mother Theresas? And if he sees them, how does this affect their salvation?

I guess what I'm working through is how God allows us to procreate and not Divinely make us have children. Was Eli's birth at the exact second he breathed extra-womb air predetermined using Cari as the carrier of such birth, or could we have waited another year to have a different child? I love these mind-twisters and the mysteries of God because it means I care so strongly to know the character of God. He has allowed me so much and still He's giving in the area of knowledge and curiosity. There's no pride here, though, because I simply strive to know my Creator for His glory.

Here's another fun thought: I fully believe there could never be another one of us as we are now, based on when we were born. Eli couldn't have been Eli if he were born any time later or earlier. He would be different than who he is now, for better or worse. How does this work with what I'm desiring to comprehend? The Bible mentions how God opens and closes the womb (a verse or phrase I've forgotten so many times but wish to memorize) at His desire; so does He use time, freedom of the will, we the agents of the child, and our happiness to this advantage of childbearing? It'll be interesting to know these answers one day, but of course then it won't matter as it does now.

Another Birthday Says Goodnight, Dear Friend

The day I was born was January 26th, 1981, at 5:06 p.m. Ten months or so before that I was conceived and God's master plan begun for one more human being in the countless magnitude he has sown together in the womb. It's spectacular, isn't it? He who is perfect has put us together in a way that only could be done by the Divine.

My son made me bookmarks for my birthday and my wife bought me a cheesecake sampler...yummmmmmmy in me tummy is all I can say. That's right: me tummy. I get childish when it comes to cheesecake.

This year was about ten times better than last year's official birthday because last year was the start of my silence to my mom. I've been feeling overwhelmed, again. Why can't I just have two normal parents who love one another like they're supposed to? Why can't my dad be healed from his atrocious malady? It's not...fair? Is sin really ever fair? When did I grow up to know curses aren't fictional like I thought when I was smaller and less significant? Is it fair to say I've grown at all in my maturity to comprehend the vastness that is blank void? Such blank voids are when the people around us whom we love till it hurts somehow get hurt, themselves, and we can do NOTHING to stop the pain.

Okay, let's clear the air. This year was better than last year's. I didn't see my friends and their smirks surprising me for my coolest-surprise party ever, but I did get to see them at Cari's dinner party, and that's fine with me. This year was better for it was simple. I bought myself a book and all the reliable people around me sent cards, cash, checks, love, warm words, and the typical "old man" comments. Did I mention the bookmarks? Totally radical. My son is a genius and it's probably thanks to Kamryn's (spelling, Kristi?) prayer for Eli to be strong and wise. I love the fact that Carissa helped Eli color all over paper and made a trinity of marks for my books. They're the best gifts I can be given because they're laced with love and determination. He's going to be great...strong...wise.

School is much better. I dare say I wasn't strong enough to tackle what I did to myself and schedule seven classes for the Spring semester. I do have to say that the winter's winding down is disheartening, though. I know it's cold now (at this very moment it's dropping to the supposed forties), but come on, where's the weather that makes a simple 4 a.m. trip to the bathroom hurt? Maybe we should move to South Carolina. I think there are great things in S.C. (not the win for Huckabee, but hey, at least McCain did well). Isn't that the state with the palm tree and crescent moon?

Speaking of politics, I wish I knew what to do. I'm full of wishes that aren't to be granted by copper or golden teapots found in sand. I want Huckabee to win it all: he's talented enough to find answers that I think are out there concerning "the war." He loves the Lord willingly and openly and I feel strongly that our post-modern society is starving from a leader like him. That to say, I'm not thinking preaching from the White House is a novel idea, but you get my drift. I think-I know-John McCain is my next best vote. He can win Florida, with or without me tearing down Romney signs.

Drowning in School

I can't believe it but I'm completely swamped and drowning in school right now! I knew this semester would be tough with six courses (had to drop English Novel because-well, the title should be enough of an explanation), but this is ridiculous. I shouldn't be on here at all. I should be reading about Elizabethan history or attempting my MS Office classes. I feel so overwhelmed and nearly sick. I hate this feeling. It's a claustrophobic feeling that I got when I was going in for my second appendectomy. The doctors had to give me something for my anxiety. Bleh, this is troubling. Why did I take this much school in one semester? Oh yeah: to get ahead; to better myself; to get my family out of someone else's house and into our own.

I told Cari tonight that we should go to high schools and give speeches about how to not mess up future plans because there wasn't a past plan. First, don't plan on having a baby without at least a Bachelor's Degree. Second, buy a mini-van or reliable SUV early and have it paid off by the time your first child's born. Third, have money in the bank for a house down payment, at least twenty percent of the house's worth. Low interest rates then.

Instead of this great master plan we're doing the best with what we've got. Gotta love the ironies in life. Gotta love God's patience with us. I guess I'll go read about Queen Elizabeth or at least read John Smith's diary entries for some lit class whose title I can't recall at this hour.