So...Eli ate tar. What's tar, you ask? This is how Encarta Dictionary describes it: "tar-thick black liquid: a thick black liquid obtained through the destructive distillation of an organic substance such as wood or coal." Let me explain.

Our chubby monkey has been cutting a tooth for about three or four days now and has been as cranky as those old men who complain about the cost of milk "nowadays." We went to the beach to wear him out a little while getting us outside in the gorgeous weather we've had lately. We weren't there too long before he needed his milk, and trying to build a sand castle with a ten and a half-month child is difficult, to say the least. We saw earlier that he had a little tar on his thumb as he stuck it into his mouth, but thought he picked it up earlier. Sippy cup in, sippy cup out...tar. There was an amount that both horrified and sickened me at the same time. There was tar on the entirety of the roof of Eli's mouth, yet he cried because he was being restrained from drinking his milk.

Three lifeguards and two EMTs later and we were at the hospital on the inner-coastal. Eventually we made it through triage, and the casual jean-wearing doctor and loose-lipped nurse/technician held Eli down to swab out the nasty black junk in his mouth. We felt so badly for him because they had to restrain him for a few minutes while they got as much out as they could.

In the end we learned a few things: Eli will put ANYTHING in his mouth; Cocoa is a great name for a red rat-looking, homemade bear given to patients; and a hospital isn't the best place for an eighty year-old receptionist when we're frantically trying to find the ER entrance.

All in all, God in all His name's three letters (ironically {but not really} also "I Am") is a God who not only holds up the very universe from collapsing on itself; holds me back from punching out people who push me too far for loving Him; but is also the One who saves, saved us the trouble of a lot of mourning while keeping Eli from harm. Again, and always such a pleasure, I'm humbled and thankful for His mercy.

I Wish I Wasn't So Selfish

I wish I wasn't so selfish. No, I don't wish to be a shellfish, nor will I sell fish, but I wish I wasn't so selfish. This story involves an elderly woman, immense sadness, and a rejuvenated joy. Get to the point already? Sure, here goes.

I nearly didn't write this post because I was afraid it'd come off sounding like I was a high school dramatist wearing black clothes that are too hot for Florida weather, all while drinking McDonald's coffee, frowning at my choice of this drink over always-reliable Coke, wishing there really were Starbuck's restaurants everywhere like in the movies or post-modern novels.

The other day I was working and doing what I could to put gas in our two vehicles, mocha frappuccinos in our bellies, and diapers over Eli's butt. Something drew my attention to two women who were silently and gleefully shopping for what appeared to be nothing out of the ordinary. There she was, the most depressing and horribly sad expression for a human being that had passed my vision in never-too-long. I say never-too-long because there's no amount of time that needed to be counted in this sort of occasion.

This woman, this...creature that God had made with His precious hands...she nearly toppled me and crushed my kneecaps with her appearance. I don't get this-I didn't understand what about her dropped me as happened, but there she was. Elderly describes her age, but what of her other features...her hair billowed, like an alto-cumulus cloud that has gone white in fright of lightning. Her glasses were homely, strangely perfect for her face...nothing else could fit her as these glasses did. This woman's skin drooped slightly, gravity winning its hold on her years. The mouth: small, quaint, really, home to warm air that breathed slowly, yet always ready to speed up in case of trouble. Then there was her posture. She slumped as most older people do, but the crescent that made her back won't leave my mind's eye. She held on to the shopping cart as if her entire life has climaxed into never letting go.

I have saved her eyes for last for my heart needed time to prepare to recall all that I remember. There's no logic to my memory of what this woman looked like, but the eyes...those starry and innocent eyes. What is it about the eyes that crush me like a can under a tire?! One eye of this incredibly sobering woman was lower than the other, but only because the eyelid of her right eye lost its fight to gravity far before the left. Instead of porcelain or maybe off-white, her lower lid allowed the redness within her eye to come out, showing what most people would selfishly think to be gross or in need of medical attention.

There's not a lot that I fully grasp in life. I have a hard time comprehending friendship, love, hate, and patience. I don't quite get life as it opens before me. For some reason, I do understand this woman's beauty. My flesh says she's unlovable and not pretty in any sense of the word. My soul-my very spirit driven by God-calls to her in a hands-out kind of way saying, "You ARE beautiful! You are the innocence I thought was gone forever."

As all these descriptions and thoughts harshly flooded my brain and heart, she was gone, as quiet as she came. Before I lost her forever, this old woman floated along behind her lifeline, the shopping cart, shyly making her way through my world as wall flowers usually do. Her pressed lips were so tiny, but I distinctly heard her say to me and only me, "Don't let them see me this way."

Oh God! This is true, I understand it now. This is how You look at me. Well, before your Son took me by the hand with me saying, "Please, don't let them see me this way."

As The Wind Blows

As the wind blows, my refund check is spent. It's almost comical how quickly our money flees us when we need it to stretch further, but when one thinks about it, the point of money is to pay for things we aren't willing or can't make ourselves. I can't make more money, but I can spend what's been given to me. This semester I received three grants that overpaid for my tuition and books, leaving our checking account bulging. To get to where we are, though, Mr. Credit Card came to the rescue on more than one occasion. So about the amount I received for school and overage paid off the credit card, leaving my checking account at an all-too familiar low and the credit at zero spent.

The reason this non-dramatic story is making it to the blog is two-fold: for one, I should be doing school work and this seemed more appealing; two, this ALWAYS happens and must be stressed in black and white. Pretty much every cent and dollar have gone to bills for operations or every-day expenses. "Get another job, Justin," some say. Yes, this is a terribly good idea and yes, I just might take your advice. When I ask where I should work to bring in more cash, these voices full of advice leave me all alone.

Now one might scold me for thinking such things. They might even kick me right in the head, knocking in some much-needed sense. I can only hope that before the blows come to head, I can explain. Though my family of three seems to have the ill-est of luck saving or holding onto money, we've never struggled so badly that we were poor or even to the brink of insanity. Does this mean God loves us more than the poor? Nonsense! It means whatever it means, but it doesn't mean I'm angry or bitter. HE has provided so many times for us in times of stress and pain that I'd never have the breath in me to begin to say, "God hasn't provided for us."

The Lord Almighty has brought me from death's cold hands on at least three major occasions in my life, two of those while married. Okay, so "three times" isn't accurate. I've been in car accidents, nearly drown while surfing in a hurricane, was almost bitten by rattlers and cotton mouths while fishing, and had run-ins with some pretty cruel people. Twice my appendix gave me the jolt out of normality I didn't need, and one time...well, that time shan't be recorded anymore. He has provided. How many times have I walked and could have died in so many gruesome ways? Might I have fallen by virus or lightning? I was nearly struck on two reality-striking occasions by the light from the sky. Five feet is just too close to be burned.

With all these things in memory, I would never think to say He hasn't provided. If I have one of those days where I forget these things, maybe I'll imagine what spikes through my wrists and feet would be like. Or what about my flogged body against splintering wood? I could try to imagine pushing off my nailed feet to breathe, only to fall back against the wood post and repeat the never-ending painful movement. Whenever I think about the friends I don't currently have, maybe I'll remember how they fled and left Him alone to be taken prisoner. It's all nonsense to think so selfishly.

Thank You, my God, for the money you provide for my family. Even more, thank You for redemption.

Reconcilliation

Last year ended strangely. First, through a lot of hard work, Cari had Eli in November. I don't think there has been a happier day in my entire life (other than meeting Cari and marrying her) than when he was born. Thanksgiving and Christmas soon came and went, but these holidays were different than the others. Because Cari was recovering from the labor and getting accustomed to having a baby to feed every two hours, it was difficult for us to get around and mingle. We told our families that we were going to go to their houses for a little while and head back home sooner than usual. My mom sees holidays as a big deal and it must've been hard for her to see us for so short a time.

The days after Thanksgiving were hard because they started a downhill portion of my family's relationship with my parents and brothers. Once Christmas was over, New Year's probably was the last holiday for awhile that there was much talking between the two families. Not even I really know how the silence lasted so long, but for about nine months I didn't talk often with my mom and only so often with my father.

I tried reconciling with my mom but it was too early (even though three or four months fled before our eyes) to get much out in a non-convicting way. My dad was always good about asking when we were going to talk again, but to no avail. I just didn't wish to get back into the mix with my family. I liked having dinner with my father occasionally and leaving it at that. My brothers' attitudes were very discriminatory and accusing towards me. They took my mom's side because it's the only one they heard. I had no intentions of violently confronting them, but I made my side known through short contact.

Finally, last week, my dad had dinner with us and helped us to see it was time for another true shot at being a family again. For my brother's birthday we went over to the house and started off pretty well. Before long, though, I heard the sarcasm in my mom's voice and I bit my tongue not to reply in the same manner. Eventually things got better and the night survived our visit.

I guess the whole reason I'm writing this is because I've not really thought much of the party since it and it's "nice" that everything went okay. I guess it's nice. Who am I kidding? Maybe it's nice. I'm trying to keep a strong sense of accomplishment but at the same time, weariness. Do people really change? I guess time will tell.

Bananas in my hair!

Hey everyone! Justin and I have had this blog site for a while now but I have yet to write anything on here, quite honestly I had forgotten we even had a blog site. So... I thought tonight would be a good time since my two loves are fast asleep.

Random thoughts: When Justin and I were living in our apartment we used to always play Tag. We would run around the apartment trying to catch one another while trying not to run too hard so we wouldn't disturb our downstairs neighbors, however, I didn't really care about bothering them because I found them to be rather rude. We still occasionally will play Tag, but tonight's game was the best of all. Briana even got involved in this one. I do not recall what started the game but somehow bananas were introduced. We all three chased each other with Eli's left over bananas. Justin successfully smeared bananas all through out mine and Briana's hair. But I wonderfully crammed and smashed banana all inside Justin's ear!!! An hour later he found more crusty banana on the back of his neck! My hair is still crusty by the way... and my neck, and my arms, and I just found some in my ear as well. I need to take a shower.

Before Justin and I got married he had lived by himself for a year, and before that he had lived on his own with roommates for a year and a half or so. So, needless to say when we got married and I moved in with him he had to adjust to someone in his personal space again. He was extremely patient with me and welcomed me with open arms to his once bachelor pad. I was taking a shower soon after we had wed and I noticed that his shampoo, conditioner, and other miscellaneous bottles were all perfectly facing label out, in the same exact direction, neatly closed. I began conspiring. I simply turned one bottle, label out, just facing the other direction. Later, Justin enters the shower. I had forgotten about what I had done till I heard "Cari?!". "Yes?" I answered. "Did you use my shampoo?! Not that I care, but I was just wondering!". I laughed! Then one day I saw a stack of Tic Tac mints neatly organized in a pyramid. I removed the top one. It took him about three minutes to notice. I spent the rest of our days in the apartment purposely rearranging his belongings simply to amuse myself. I'm thinking I should pick that habit back up again, it was a fun one! I also loved to hide behind corners and jump out at Justin and hear him shriek as he exclaimed he knew I was there! Yeah, sure! My favorite scare was when he was in the shower when I got home from work early. I had a cold and had no voice so I didn't bother popping my head in to tell him I was home. When the shower turned off I realized I would probably frighten him since he didn't know I was there. So, I went into the bedroom and sat on the bed, I don't know why I thought that was less scary. So, Justin comes out of the shower wrapped in a towel and walks into the bedroom. He saw me and just started screaming!! He even stopped to take a breath in between screams! I just sat there with this completely innocent look on my face that said "I'm so sorry"! Even as he stared at me he continued to scream. I ended up laughing hysterically! Keep in mind I had a cold, I could not talk nor could I breathe through my nose, which almost led me to pass out! Justin has given me tremendous laughs since we've been married, unfortunately most of them were at his expense. But those are the moments in our marriage that I can look back on and always smile and laugh about with him. Justin is wonderful, he completes my life!

Eli: He is such a boy. He eats whatever he finds on the ground. Grass, dirt, shoes, dog food, bug wings...all of my energy is spent chasing him and taking things out of his mouth. He also now thinks it's belly laughing funny when he burps or passes gas. I can't help but laugh a little too when he does it! He also has ZERO fear or perception of heights. The edge of the bed means nothing to him! I now change his diaper on the ground instead of the changing table since he thinks the changing table is meant for gymnastics. However, the floor isn't much easier. As soon as the diaper comes undone he takes off crawling and sitting wherever he can in the room, gross. He also likes to put his thumb in his mouth after EVERY SINGLE bite of food and then proceeds to smear it all over his face, so messy.

Needless to say, Justin and Eli are the top two of my most wonderful joys! I'm so proud of Justin for making the Dean's list at UCF, his hard work truly pays off. He's extremely intelligent and I am excited for the day when he is a professor and can share his knowledge with others. Justin's life is busy. He works full time, goes to school full time, is a husband, and a father. He manages to still somehow spend time with us and make our days off together fun. I am proud of Eli and the accomplishments he tackles every day that he is growing. He's a curious little boy and I'm thankful for that, I think it means he'll be smart like his daddy. I love them!

Hello, fellow bloggers. Once again a longer period of time has gone by since the last post, and again, I hope to update more often. Kim actually has re-sparked my interest in this particular outlet for one-way conversation (before comments, that is).

Cari is still a great mom; nothing has changed there. She's making more efforts in doing things with her friends, especially other moms. I used to feel so bad for her because it was difficult to go out with Eli as a newborn babe. Now, with our son growing up so quickly, she's able to connect with other moms and friends from her past.

Eli has bore one tooth so far, but its progress is grass-growing slow. Actually, here in Florida grass can grow quite quickly, so maybe Eli's tooth is growing slower? Yes. He's keeping everyone busy by pulling up on chairs, stools, couches, or someone's leg, all while doing what we all do and heading sky-bound. I sometimes can't remember my life before Eli; the times I can are unsettling and I'd rather not recall many of those memories. Though, on that note, I do miss times staring at Cari and not wishing to remember times before her. Can we just forget our pasts? Are the pasts of people certainly the backdrops for something monumental? Do all my wicked and dark nights merely fall away to the saintlier and light-filled days?

These strange thoughts aside, Eli has brought us unimaginable joy. I find myself misty-eyed when my mind hovers over his face or the simple things he brings to my life. I know I wouldn't be the man I am without his very being. I know I'm not much of a man-who is, really? If one is chosen to be "much of a man" by others, I wish I could be as they are: memorable and inspirational. That to say, the man I have become is odd and confusing, and yet, I'm at peace with most of the choices I've made. For the baby boy who has captured my heart with net and trident, I wish I could give him more. I also wish I could give my wife a house with a yard to which we'll hire workers to keep it short and green. I wish I could set out a cooler with ice-cold drinks for those workers, paying each person for the labor they've done for me, having friendships with each of them. I wish Cari could wave hello to them and tell Eli to say hello; he'll of course do as mommy tells him, with sincerity in his heart because he knows the Lord's kindness. I wish we could walk to a lake and cast a line or two, fishing from a clean, sandy beach. From here my wishes become more and more selfish; instead, they should be prayers of a hopeful future for the family I've taken on.

Now Eli is coming after me and the laptop; oh no!

For me, school has been incredible. It's been difficult and hard to chew, and at the same time, it's been worth it. Or has it? The time I spent reading and writing and reading some more could have been used with my two loves...three loves. I gave up reading the Word all summer and I've paid a high price. My faith has stayed the course but my interests have strayed. Instead of God being my best Friend and the warmth in my bones, I've sacrificed Him again and again for papers graded with an A. What lengths we men go to as we run from our God to find something that doesn't exist. We're searching in vain for everything we don't need and forgetting the very Person we couldn't live without.

All these regrets and queer remarks have climaxed into a much-needed release of daily hints that I need Jesus the Christ, Savior of the World, now, Now, NOW. Do you remember the day you felt this way? If not, oh, I wish you could.

What's New

I haven't written on here in awhile, so I thought I would tell how our family is doing these days.

So far Cari and I have grown a lot more in the past month. I don't know what hit us, but we decided to make more time and give more attention to our relationship. Maybe it's now with Eli sleeping through the night that we find most convenient to spend together. Even if we don't get into deep conversations or play games, just being around my wife makes me content. I would love to go through a book with her, so maybe that can happen once school slows down.

Eli has been growing like a weed-a fat weed. He's right at 21 pounds, 6.5 months old. Right now he's crying because he doesn't wish to nap, but we've found that if we don't rush to him every time he cries, it actually does him good.

School for me has been strenuous to say the least. I'm exhausted all of the time, but I'm learning how to be patient.

That's about all I have to mention now. Hopefully there will be a more extiting post later.